>From The Thompson Twins
I saw you there, just floating there
And I thought I was only dreaming yeah
I kissed your membrane then, then once again
You said you would come and slosh with me
Slosh with me across the sea
And we could feel the motion of a thousand dreams
Oh, Network, Network, can’t you see I’m burning, burning
Oh, Network, Network, is this love I’m feeling?
Ships at night give such delight
We all leave before the morning light
You can’t go no you can’t go
Cause you don’t have any legs
Fever breathe your love on me
Take away my name
Fever lay your synapses on me
Never be the same
Oh, Network, Network, can’t you see I’m burning, burning
Oh, Network, Network, is this love I’m feeling?
Ships at night give such delight
We all leave before the morning light
You can’t go no you can’t go
Cause I can’t lift your nutrient bath
Come with me and make believe
We can pickle for eternity Net: Attention Networkia! The above contributor knows what it takes to get published in this column! If you would like to see your pseudonym in print, you should write (or paraphrase) love songs to the great, all-knowing, all-powerful Network.

From The Very Sophomoric Drunk
In response to From The Census – Not every intoxicated person at the football game was a frosh, just learning how to drink. Net: Most were professors. Some of us were merely sophomores, just setting the bad example of what not to do at football games. Even if we were hauled out by the police and given a verbal warning of not to “fall asleep” again. Net: That’s pretty harsh. Are they going to monitor you 24/7 to make sure you never doze off? Is that even legal? Do you really blame us for being so inebriated when we are up by five scores going into half time? Of course it all works out – in most cases, excluding Michigan last year, we know we’re going to win by that point and our buzz is wearing off anyway so we can leave and go drink up some more. One last other thing, you’d think if you were a good student attending the football game – that you would then know that most teams use their QBs as holders for the place kickers, including NFL.

From RedGoldNGreen
This is a message to the AberZombie on the Campus Connector to St. Paul this afternoon: First off, nobody cares that you’re going all the way to St. Paul, you dolt. Your destination, your plans for when you get there, in fact the entire rest of your life are of less concern to me than the amount of lint in my bellybutton. Secondly, you boring clod, your attempts to get in the pants of the girl you were talking to were both crude and obvious. Your technique is lousy, and if you succeed it will only be due to her naïveté. (Furthermore, if you succeed, she will be aware of just how abominably bad your technique is in other areas, if you catch my drift.) And finally, stop talking about Dave Matthews and referring to him as “Dave.” You’re not his friend, bro. You’re just some no account, no taste, know-nothing dweeb who wouldn’t know REAL rock ‘n’ roll or REAL bluegrass if it bit you on the ass. Dork. Net: Let this be a lesson to you annoying bros, we are all sick of your womanizing, your lack of culture and your general grating demeanor. Hurry up and graduate so that you can go on to be similarly boring middle managers, who chase your secretaries around the desk all day.