From Lab Attendant 5000: Hey, Net! I’m going to try to lighten the atmosphere of this (of late) bleak realm. This also is a challenge to all the people who were ripping on the Gophers football team a few weeks ago. Net: Who, us? Naaaaaaaah. I would like to know where all the positive, slap-on-the-back compliments are for our victorious, bowl-bound, perfect season-wrecking, homecoming-crashing football team. Net: We must admit we watched said game with much interest — naked as a jaybird if not for our extra-thick Egyptian cotton bathrobe — and reveled in the victory of the ever-the-underdog Gophers. Just don’t say we have school spirit. Yucky.
I didn’t see any in Monday’s edition. Haven’t they given us football fans what we wanted, that being a bowl berth for the first time in who knows how long? Net: WackergoodfireMasongoodhire. ‘Nuff said. Can’t you people say thank you to Billy Cockerham for finally turning in a great game? Net: He won’t return our calls, and besides, we tend to giggle every time we say, “Cockerham.” Hee-hee. (See?) You people could tear him apart so easily a few short weeks ago. How about Thomas Hamner? He’s been working his butt off the whole season and received a precious few compliments — and backhanded ones at that. Net: Ok … Hamner’s the next Jim Frickin’ Brown. You happy? I would like to thank the Gophers football team for making the Saturdays this semester much better than last year. I’d like to thank Arland Bruce for catching the “Immaculate Deflection,” Net: Yay! Cockerham for putting up with more criticism than he deserves, Net: Yay! Tyrone Carter for being the hard-hitting, record-setting, tackling maniac that he is, Net: Yay! Thomas Hamner for the consistency he has provided no matter what the circumstances, Net: Yay! Luke Leverson for being Luke Leverson, Net: Huh? and Dan Nystrom for being the best freshperson ever. Net: Are you sure you don’t work for Media Relations? If you don’t, you might want to send a copy of today’s Network along with your application. I don’t care if there are nasty, hateful people out there who consider this boot-licking. Net: We were thinking more along the lines of unmitigated, bandwagonesque hero worship. But that’s just us. You people can continue to whine about construction, parking, quality of Network (it’s your own fault, not Net’s), Net: From Net’s Keys to Upper Management Adequacy: Accept responsibility for failure, share credit for success, and always, ALWAYS skim off the top. and whatever else strikes you as imperfect.
Net probably won’t publish it anyway. Net: Whaddyathinkofusnow? As for me, I will try to focus on the good stuff, and the Gophers in a bowl of any kind is definitely good stuff.
From Peewee Who Died Three Days Ago But Now … Well, You Know The Rest: Alright people, you want a new topic, I gots one. I had a debate with my phrat bros the other day about who was the most overrated artist/group in the history of Rock-n-Roll. Net: Sorta like that new show of VH1, eh? How … lame. The usual names got tossed out; the Beatles, Rolling Stones, K.C. and the Sunshine Band, etc. Finally, though, we had a detente or Glasnost, if you will, between myself and March On to Victory. Net: We’ll drink to that, as you certainly did. We decided that the most overrated group of all history would be … Nirvana. Bare with me on this one. Net: You “bare” yours, we’ll bare ours. Every single song of Nirvana’s goes like this: quiet verse, loud chorus, quiet verse, Net: insolent whine, loud chorus, guitar solo, quiet verse, Net: incoherent mumble, loud chorus, fade out at the end. Cobain’s lyrics were inane, but I got to give him credit for rhyming mosquito with libido — that takes genius. Net: And what was with that whole mulatto-albino thing? It reminds us of the mystery that is Steely Dan … throw a buncha words together that sound good, regardless of meaning, and you’ll go straight to the top! The only time this format was ever detoured from was when they did covers of David Bowie and the Meat Puppets on “Unplugged.” Nirvana had one really cool song, “Smells like Teen Spirit,” Net: Not to be confused with “Tastes Like Stale Sprite,” which failed miserably. Except in France. which came out at the right time, and even that song was really just a rip-off of the Pixies. All Nirvana did was open the door for real bands like Pearl Jam, Soundgarden and the Screaming Trees. I was just wondering if anyone out there had a better candidate for “Most Overrated Band/Artist of ALL TIME”!?! Net: Sounds good to A MOMENT FOR US
us … just leave Prince the hell alone.

From Great Bason: Hello, Net, hello, fellow addicts. Net: Sounds like the intro to a Microsoft company party. It seems that as of late everyone has an opinion on the quality of Network entries, and that chances of that opinion being favorable: slim to none, and slim just left. Yet these same people continue to read Net day after day. Why, you ask? Net: Pssst … Because the ink used on BackTalk contains a certain chemical that acts as a magnet to the eyes, much like the special colors they use to airbrush Hustler magazine. Because Network is a highly addictive drug drawing its readers in until one day when they have a bad trip and start screaming, “Oh, God, why am I covered in ants?” and try to claw their own eyeballs out of the sockets. Net: There are good trips, as well, like when you start screaming, “Oh, God, I am gorgeous! The Mary Kay really worked!” before searching out mirrors and primping like mad. Anyway, Net will never please everybody, nor should it try. Net: You must be a Republican. Whether you prefer entries by Rolla, Peewee, Pixee and the other regulars or by random freshpeople Net: Who, when you really get down to it, are all pretty random, aren’t they? one thing is certain. As long as there is Network, your bloodshot, blurry eyes and trembling fingers will peruse the back page of the Daily every day. Net: And we’ll be here, doling out the methadone.