Anti-booing resolution prompts rash of new sports rules

Each week Sports Illustrated runs a two-inch box entitled “This Week’s Sign That the Apocolypse Is Upon Us.” This often outrageously humorous graphic contains factual content while demonstrating weekly ways in which sports and athlete’s actions rear their ugly heads.
This week’s tale of the stupid datelines from State College, PA., home of Joe Pa and Penn State. Beware all ye who dare show thy emotion, lashing their evil-spirited tongues towards the beloved field warriors.
Basically it boils down to a statement telling fans not to boo, to be read before every Lions home game. Ladies and gentlemen, the word of our Lord on college campuses, the politically correct.
Don’t even think about “negative cheering” in State College, and if you thought about it before entering the coveted Holy Land of Happy Valley, then curse you and your drunken tailgating followers. And if all ye who dare contemplate spatting out bad karma toward the beloved warriors in the home or visitor jerseys, then those in the high reaches of the press box shall inflict a wrath of biblical proportions.
Upon entrance to the Holy Land, the sacred Prophets in the athletic department will now command all ye shepherds who enter that “boos” and “negative cheering” will no longer be tolerated. You must heed the warning given by the Prophets of the Most High, for if you fail to meet this “Thou shalt not boo” commandment …
Expect no wrath.
“At the end of the day you can’t control and you’re not going to control what people say,” said Tim Curley, Penn State’s Almighty men’s athletics director. “These participants are college students giving their best shot, and that’s what it’s all about.
“There is no punishment, no policing, no enforcement in any way. No one had any intentions but to encourage people to enjoy the game and understand good sportsmanship.”
And so when it comes to pass that the Nittany Lions are losing 62-3 against the beasts from Alcorn State, and the Happy Valley warriors trot into the locker room sanctuary at halftime, all ye who disapprove of Joe Pa and his troops had best not let them know. Instead, be joyous of their three points.
Furthermore, beware of future wraths, including — but not limited to — the following:
Thou shalt not inscribe ways to violate thy salary cap, by David Stern with a forward by Glen Taylor and acknowledgements by Joe Smith.
Thou shalt make everyone look quite the fool, by Daunte Culpepper with an “I told you so” section by Dennis Green and Dan Marino.
Thou shalt spend all money humanly possible and then demand more, by George Steinbrenner, as told to Jerry Colangelo.
Thou need not play four quarters of football, by Glen Mason.
Thy musically-inclined voice must be heard throughout the land, by Allen Iverson, as feuded with by Larry Brown.
Thy hair must be cut and cut short, by Don Lucia.
Thy voice must be heard, by John Rocker.
Should the need arise, we will adhere to these laws in the future, or risk isolation and embarrassment to you and everyone you care about.
Until then, don’t try to take away the “happy” in Happy Valley. While they can’t and won’t stop you from negative vibes, let it be known that nothing short of 110 percent euphoric cooperation from the stands will be tolerated.
Learn from Melissa Manchester, who told us, “don’t cry out loud. Just keep it inside, learn how to hide your feelings.”
“Is this being naive in thinking all people are going to adhere to this? Maybe,” said Curley. “But this is one statement right before the game. This is not something to beat people over the head with.”
Nope, just a chance for the Almighty to duct tape thy peasant ticket buyer’s yappers shut at college football games.
Thou shalt not covet thy own’s freedom to express.

Mark Heller is the associate sports editor and welcomes comments at [email protected]