Net: It seems as though Rolla has again gotten Networkia’s creative, ahem, juices flowing. Thus, if you’re not in the mood to be aroused (or perhaps even offended), we suggest reading the classifieds. Or perhaps Dr. Date. They’re both boring as hell.
A PLAYER’S MANIFESTO
From Smoove MoFo: Damn. A smooth workin’ Mojo’s ’bout as hard to find as those fine lookin’ ladies you wish was prowlin’ around your door. I am serious. Net: We are but fish a-floatin’ in your smooth-talkin’ stream of love. Groove some more-a that buttery goodness our way …
Woman. This evening is not about me. It is about you, about us. You will call out my name, and I will not hesitate to answer with words of love and affection. Net: “How much you askin’, hot stuff?!” I will sing Barry White tunes to you. You are worthy of song Net: i.e., “Baby Got Back.”
I will pick you up at your house. 7:30 sharp. I will not be late. My car will be clean. I will meet your roommates and they will be impressed. Net: The right cologne can go a long way. They will comment on my charm, and how lucky you are to be with me Net: Compared to the wife-beater she was out with the night before. But like I said, this is not about me. I will direct the attention to you.
You are a fine-looking lady. I am not worthy of your affection. I will take you to the mall. We will shop at all the upscale boutiques Net: like Filene’s Basement, and Nordstrom Rack. Nothing but the best for so cheap, er … fine a lady. I will buy you a dress. Long, with a reasonable neckline Net: that shows your belly button. You are a classy woman. My respect is yours. We will not hurry. We have all the time in the world. Net: Assuming the world ends in a couple hours …
I will take you back to my place and make you dinner. Roast beef Net: High in fat and potatoes Net: too starchy, with some kind of green side dish Net: like creamed spinach. Your health is important to me. There will be corn. I am serious. While I simmer and season Net: and drop in a Mickey or two, you will change into your new dress. You are a gorgeous Net: victim specimen. Candles will be lit. Lights will dim. I will put on your favorite music, but keep the volume low. The mood will be perfect Net: for a funeral.
When dinner is finished, we will move to the couch Net: in a horse-drawn carriage. I will offer to watch your favorite shows. You will control the remote. You will watch Ally McBeal. Ladies love Ally McBeal. I will not watch Ally McBeal Net: unless there are car wash make-out scenes involved, I will watch you. The soft curve of your lips and the intoxicating scent of your hair will be all the entertainment I need.
Then I will flip you over and hit you doggy-style. Net: WHAM!
Do not worry, woman. I am not here to hit it and quit. Net: Leave that to James Brown, thankyouverymuch. You will call me Doctor Love and Big Daddy. I will give you a sexual healing. We will rock it ’til the Net: jailbreak of day.
When you wake up in the morning, I will not be there. Net: Paper boys keep such awful schedules. You will find an omelette and hashbrowns waiting for you on the kitchen table next to a dozen red roses Net: That he “recycled.” There will be a note next to your eggs … “You sexy thing, thank you for last night.”
Consider yourself Net: infected smooved.
NOTHIN’ FROM NOTHIN’ …From Nasty McShasty: Hey Net, what was up with Friday’s Daily? The thing was 12 pages thick from front to back. Net: Small papers make for early nights, and, well, even production managers gotta get to Sturb’s before the kitchen closes once in a while. That was one of the weakest Dailies I’ve ever seen. Did y’all get some funding cut? Net: You’d have to ask the student fees people. Ridiculous. I know the horny Rollerdiva wants more sex in the Net, Net: You mean the hammock? and I normally don’t openly talk about my sex life. Until now. The last time I got laid started out with me saying to my date “Aloha, Mr. Hand,” Net: Oh, was she Hawaiian? and we just humped like crazed donkeys for a whole couple minutes. It was pretty good. Every once in a while I get a little variety, too, and incorporate Mr. Lefty in as well, so all I can say is that my sex life is grrrrrrreat! Net: When the hell did Tony the Tiger get involved? Well, actually, I’m sure I could be getting laid more than sod if it weren’t for that big itchy rash on my crank. Chicks don’t dig that. The real truth about my sex life is that I mostly get nothing because I don’t know any dirties like Rollerdiva that are worth porking, because my weiner would surely fall off with some of the diseases that these dirty chicks have. Don’t get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoy the company of dirty chicks, but two-baggin’ it gets old after a while. Then when I meet a nice girl, I am too much of a puss to get the puss, if ya know what I mean. Net: OK, now wait … you’re too much of a … to get …. Huh? So there ya go Roller, “My Sex Life,” just for you and all the other little homies out there. I hope this entry got you all hot and bothered. I am. With all this talk about Mr. Hand, I uhhhh, got something to uhhhh, do. Peace.
A 1, A 2, A 1-2-3-BORE
From Kung Fu Joe: After reading Rollerdiva‘s entry, I feel a need to have, uh, I mean, share with you fine folks some wonderful facts.
1. This is the coolest thing I have learned in IT: nitrogen compounds are often named for their smell. Putramine smells putrid. What do you think Spermamine (real compound) smells like? Net: Tuition dollars well spent.
2. The term “poon tang” was used at least as far back as WWI. Net: Imagine … Grandpa Net trying to “get some.”
3. Some guys complain about giving oral sex because of the smell involved — not me, ladies! — but this was not always the case. Noplean Net: We believe that was supposed to be “Napoleon,” but, well, some typos we just have to leave alone … wrote to his woman three days before coming home from battle asking her not to bathe so her smell would be stronger. Net: Nothing a quick aerobic workout wouldn’t take care of.
4. And finally, I want you all think hard about this: If you are reading this, your parents have had sex. Net: Unless you were immaculately conceived.