Tradition dictates that relationship advice columns are written by people pretending to be doctors, therapists or other related quacks. They hear your concerns and insecurities, then babble on about feelings, emotions, maturity and other “heartsy-fartsy” issues. But what about the practical stuff?

Sure, a relationship doctor will occasionally offer some good mental and emotional advice, but what good is feeling warm and fuzzy if you can’t get your “X-Men” DVD back?

That’s why relationships need a lawyer, a “love lawyer” if you will. The love lawyer’s there to look out for your practical interests in the relationship. The love lawyer wants to make sure you’ve reduced your risk exposure regardless of the eventual outcome. It’s like having a combination of an insurance company and Nostradamus in your corner.

Let’s say you’re thinking about moving in with your significant other. A love doctor would help you decide whether you’re emotionally ready for the arrangement. That’s fine and dandy, but what about everything else? The love lawyer would look at the practical risks: What will be the living arrangement? Who will do what chores? How will bills be sorted? Should you maintain another place in case this one doesn’t work out? What will be “community property”? How will things be divided in the case of separation? Who gets the last Oreo? Sure, you might want to know if the relationship will be fulfilling, but the devil’s in the details, and lawyers Ö well, you know.

And don’t think the love lawyer can’t help in the bedroom. Having an attorney can help clarify and inoculate much uncertainty in sex: Does one party have any special expectations for Ö Frequency? Duration? Locations? Positions? “Good” and “bad” naughty words? Foreign objects? Multiple parties? These are only a handful of the common sexual issues a lawyer could solve from day one.

Traditional doctors and therapist love columnists often make value judgments about their “clients” or other parties in the situation – injecting their personal morality into your decision making.

Forget morality, its relative. A love lawyer’s there to serve your needs, not pontificate. They’re not going to say you’re wrong or the other side is right; they’re just there to make sure what you want gets done. You say you want an open relationship with your best friend’s sister? The love lawyer will make sure the practical paths and subsequent questions are clear to you so you can make the best decision according to what you believe, nothing more.

So what if the relationship goes bust? In the harsh reality of most break-ups, people’s emotions can get the better of them. The small stuff, like getting back a DVD, can get overlooked or quickly turn into a fight. A love lawyer will be there as a cool head to remind you of what needs to be done, keep you on the higher ground or (if you’re so inclined) serve your vindictive desires. With a love lawyer, you won’t have to let the practical things get in the way of your personal healing.

Face it: Doctors and therapists are weenies trying to tell you what to think; love lawyers are fanged beasts ready to serve your whim. What would you rather have?

Bobak Ha’Eri welcomes comments at [email protected].