I have no idea how to vote for president

Voting sounds complicated, and the last thing I need in my life right now is a sports bra – I mean complication.

The last time I took voting seriously was in grade school, when my class had to decide what to name our class pet. And even then, I doubted the importance of my one vote. That gerbil should have been named “Jib-jub,” damn it.

So now that I’m old enough to participate in a national election, I’m trying to decide if it’s worth it. The way I see it, I might as well just find a “voting buddy” – a term I made up for someone who plans to vote against my candidate. If we agree to negate each others’ votes by not voting, there will be no difference in the outcome. Right?

My friends tell me I’m an idiot for thinking this. What if my “voting buddy” can’t be trusted, they ask? And what is the harm in making a physical effort to vote?

The problem is this: I have absolutely no idea how to vote for president of the United States. Not even a clue. I’ve even tried paying foreign exchange students to do the voting for me, but they don’t know what to do either.

What is the deal with registering? I’m not technically from Minnesota. Does this mean I have to vote in my home state or what? Some people tell me to get an absentee form, but this is confusing because I’m not going to be absent on voting day.

In fact, Tuesdays work great for me. As I understand it, there will be polls open to all U.S. (and possibly Canadian) citizens, so why can’t I just hop in line and tally down my vote for Emmanuel Lewis as any other American?

Voting sounds complicated, and the last thing I need right now in my life is a sports bra. I mean complication. The last thing I need is complication. Whew.

At any rate, I am afraid I would screw things up even if I had someone guiding me through the registration/voting process. I’m not talking about leaving a few chads unpunched, either. I’m talking about entering in the wrong Social Security number and being hunted down by the feds. It’s true – if you risk voting for president, you risk going to jail.

Admittedly, I made that up. But it’s still an intimidating thought.

Equally daunting is the idea that voting day is less than a month away, and I don’t even know what a ballot is. Much less, I always thought the word was pronounced “bal-lay.” Shows how much I know.

I guess I should just stop making excuses and start learning how to vote, even if it takes a little extra effort. That way, I can make Nov. 2 truly memorable, as I intend to vote as many times as I possibly can.

It’s just too bad Macaulay Culkin isn’t running for president, because then my vote would really mean something.

Mat Koehler welcomes comments at [email protected]