V-Day brought to you by Chuck Norris

I’m not ungrateful, but just once I want a Valentine’s Day that blows my motherfreakin’ mind.

Katharine Hargreaves

It’s almost Valentine’s Day, and, this year, I decided to use my power for good. This brain flash happened the other day while reading the Daily: I was scanning a Dr. Date response and then BAM! It hit me. You know why? Because Dr. Date was WRONG.

Now, listen, I know that I’m not Dr. Date and therefore don’t hold as much authority on the subject of love, but advising some girl to take her month-long “boyfriend” out for dinner on Valentine’s Day? It’s been done. So 1999.

First off, I’d like to make it known that just because I’m a girl doesn’t mean I burp hearts or talk only in candy-grams. I might have a uterus, but from there, is it logical to assume that I want a pillow embroidered with my boyfriend’s face just because I kind of like him? I like to be romanced, but let’s get original. Move over dinner and a movie; I vote for going to the gun range this 14th of February.

Granted, last year my boyfriend did his best. He’s an original guy, but to be honest we didn’t try that hard on V-Day. Sure, he let me stuff my face on his dollar (always wins me over) and then rented “Saw 2” or something equally romantic. Believe me, I’m not ungrateful, but just once I want a Valentine’s Day that blows my motherfreakin’ mind.

I mean, honestly – does any girl really need a 10-foot stuffed bear delivered to her doorway? Am I really that hungry for a 35-pound Hershey’s chocolate bar? You bet I am.

I know most men just want to spend Valentine’s Day like any other day – eating Doritos and engaging in a little heavy petting with their girlfriends. V-Day “shebangs” are taxing: they require time, planning and extremely large biceps.

However, after extensive research, I’ve devised a simple strategy: just call Chuck Norris.

To explain, since I’ve been at the University, and am thus more acquainted with what I like to call those “hipster, indie types,” I’ve been privy to a lot of interesting conversations. Most of them concern imaginary battles between trendy “It” fantasy genres: Pirate vs. Ninja! Robot vs. Lumberjack! Space Warriors vs. Chuck Norris! OMG, who will win?!? The answer is simple: Chuck Norris ALWAYS wins.

This is why I’m recommending him as the answer for Valentine’s Day. Trust me, I’ve done my homework. When it states in Encyclopaedia Britannica that “the energy given off by the Big Bang is roughly equivalent to 1 CNRhK (1 Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick),” then you know you’re dealing with a pro.

Chuck Norris doesn’t give relationship advice. Therefore, this year I’m advising (and this is where Dr. Date went all wrong) that guys simply turn their girlfriends over to the force that is Chuck Norris and let him do all the work. One: Their relationship will be all the better for it. Two: They won’t get roundhouse kick in the face.

There’s a chance that Mr. Norris doesn’t believe in Godiva chocolates or Care Bear cards – but who cares? I don’t. Because when your date picks you up in an ice-cream truck covered in skulls, you know that, unlike last year, it’s going to be a night you’ll never forget.

Kat Hargreaves welcomes comments at [email protected]