YOU SAY YOU WANT A…

YOU SAY YOU WANT A RENOVATIO
From The Informer: Coffman may be a “hell-hole” now, Net: No one sleeps in hell. Plaintive purgatory, maybe, but hell? No. but since students will approve or disapprove all of the designs for the renovation before the construction begins, we can make sure that the new Coffman will be better than the current version. Net: For $45 million, we hope the Vikings can play there. PissOnCoffman says that he will never want to use Coffman. Once it’s the center of campus and includes a student service center, a bookstore, better food, more room for student organizations and cultural centers and a whole lot more, perhaps he’ll change his mind.
PissOnCoffman claims that he will have paid almost $300 for Coffman after three years. Actually, he will have paid $180 after three years. ($30 this year, $60 next year and $90 the year after that). See how that works? The increase is incremental so those who will be around when the building opens pay more than those who won’t be around — what a novel idea! And don’t assume that those who are for the renovation won’t be shelling out the same amount as you. We will! Net: What?! No special provisions for all those in favor? Well hell then, our mind is made up. We all have to scrimp and save to make it through this place — I’d like to at least be able to have a nice place to take care of some business, Net: That can be interpreted in SO many licentious ways … relax, do homework and hang out with friends while I’m here. As for Destitute’s suggestion that the student fees dollars should not pay for the new housing and the parking ramp, what a great idea! Maybe that’s why the student fees allocated to the renovation won’t be used to pay for the parking ramp or the new housing. And guess what! University Dining Services, the bookstore and the Campus Club are all paying for their portion of the renovations. So we’re only paying to renovate the parts of Coffman that we use! Interesting. And what happens if Coffman isn’t renovated? Has anyone considered the facts that the building is falling apart and if it isn’t renovated the time may come (very soon) when it’s torn down? It’s a definite possibility.

From Oh Wouldn’t You Like to Know?: In response to all the talk about the Coffman renovation, I would just like to remind people about the BIGGER issue here. What may be bigger than the highway robbery that they are trying to pull over us, you may ask? Have you seen the ads in the Daily supporting the renovation, or those little buttons that they are giving away? Look at that button. Isn’t a big ol’ black and white building overshadowing a little black and white man with a sledgehammer? Net: Actually, it’s a giant mechanical gopher overshadowing Dick Clark with a toilet plunger. Weird stuff. In the Daily ads, the man on the right, does his silhouette not have a striking resemblance to Stalin? And that dude on the left — cut away the hair, and isn’t it Lenin? And what would happen if we changed every “I” in the ads and button to “we” and every “my” into an “our”? I submit to you Network, vanguard of the student masses, THAT WE ARE UNDER ATTACK BY A NEW COMMUNIST REVOLUTION!!! The plan is devious: Distract us with this mindless talk of stealing more money from our already cash-strapped Net: Proletariat pockets, and while we toss and turn at night, they will be changing all those buttons from “I support the Coffman Renovation” to “We support the Communist Revolution.” Then in the Daily, the silhouettes will be taken away and we will see Stalin and Lenin in all their glory.
Oh Network, we must work hard to foil this insidious plot to take away our freedoms and financial stability, as the revolution and renovation work hand-in-hand to destroy us. In order for us to remain one of the greatest nations in the world (apart from Taiwan, of course) and in order to prevent the money-sucking leeches from taking the hard-earned money I begged from my father, say NO to the communist revolution! Say NO to the Coffman renovation!
CHILLY 2000

From Deez Nutz: I came to a startling conclusion recently. While sniffing some bicycle seats, I happened to notice that a vast majority of zippers have the letters YKK on them.
What in the hell does this mean? Net: Yankee Kamikaze Kayak? Yellow Kangaroo Kabobs? Yudof’s Killer Ketchup? I sure don’t know and don’t know anyone that does. However, while my chums and I were enjoying a fine brew, I came up with a revolutionary theory. The year 2000 is on the way and everyone is scared of this whole Y2K thing. Is it only coincidence that YKK can also be written as Y2K? I think not. My theory is that on Jan. 1, 2000, a vast majority of the world’s zippers will spontaneously fall apart. The result: widespread nudism.
The only solution: screw clothes. Nudism for all, or something like that. Nudey 2000! Oh, and for you Network readers, you too can become a Nutzhead groupie like all those that believe in my theory. Just ask around campus for Deez Nutz. I am not hard to find. Thank you, drive through.
EDGEWISE

From Sgt. Pillows: Hey Network! Could you people please, just once, print a letter without Net: FatDumbKid likes fireworks. your constant and inane interruptions? —
I remember a Network from a Net: Star of the Morning wrote today but we didn’t print her letter. Hi, Star! few years back that was intelligent, witty and often damn funny.
Now it interrupts letters mid-sentence with trite drivel delivered with a Net: The rock docta pimp inflecta has sent more haiku. Anyone want to see it? smartass tone. —
You’re like the guy who Net: King T will make Independence Day look like the crossing of the Delaware! won’t let you finish a sentence because he has something to say that’s SO damn funny or insightful Net: What is that incessant noise? he can’t wait two seconds to let you finish before he opens his fat mouth. Christ I hate Net: Anybody else hear that? that guy! Please save your self-important musings for the end of the Net: Ahhh … that’s better. See you tomorrow.