Net: As you all are surely aware, world-wise and current-affairs-consuming intellectuals that you are, the A&E section of the Daily will be taking a brief hiatus. In the interim, music, movie and book reviews will be done solely by the collective in a format of our own choosing (generally using the very scientific ‘it sucks/it rules’ rating system). Not only can you enjoy our witty content every day, now you can have your media viewing/non-viewing completely controlled by us! Be sure to watch for the upcoming “Network’s Guide to What you May Eat Today” as well as “Network’s Guide to Who you May Find Attractive” in later issues!
Today’s movie reviews:
The Road Warrior: Rules
Forrest Gump: Sucks
Any Given Sunday: Really, really, really sucks
Wicked Weapon: Strangely intriguing
LACK OFSPACE = 1 NETHEAD
From Alex Kidd: Ahhhhh Network. It seems COMPLETELY RANDOM AND NONSENSICAL COMMENT DAY is a sham. Net: We’ll clarify. We should have referred to it as COMMENTS PLACED IN A COMPLETELY RANDOM AND NONSENSICAL WAY AND SOME OF THEM WERE RUTHLESSLY RIPPED FROM SOME OF OUR FAVORITE MOVIES DAY. We just thought that the former title had ‘Zazz’ In what you wrote for Atreehugger, your “random comment” of, “It’s so stimulating be your hat” is really from the greatest thing to come out of 1986, and quite possibly the greatest movie of all time, Labyrinth. Which is actually strange because the greatest video game system of all time also came out of that same year: the Sega Master System. Net: Obviously you’ve never used the Atari Lynx Obviously nothing from such a great year could ever be considered “COMPLETELY RANDOM AND NONSENSICAL.” On a side note, if anyone thinks Zelda comes close to the power of Wonder Boy, bring it on. Net: Blaster Master was better
From Armless Wonder: Yo, net. Remember that kid Webster and how he was always riding in that dumbwaiter? Yeah, that was cool. Net: You have to wonder if a small tear wells up in the corner of his eye when he sees a dumbwaiter nowadays, in memory of those youthful times of glee Á
From GirlUWant: The results are in for the most uncreative costumes of the season. Net: Bedsheet ghost? Target store witch? Guy with funny hat? For the boys (and I do mean boys), it’s the “retro guy.” This look says, “hey, I shopped at Ragstock so I could look like a 1970’s porn director. Obviously, I know a little sumpthin’ about the bizness *wink*.” And for the hootchies (and I do mean hootchies), it was a tie amongst the bar sluts who wore their usual whorin’ attire with a) devil horns b) an angel halo or c) Playboy bunny ears. This ensemble says, “Happy Halloween! Look at my ass!” Net: HOORAY! Congratulations to all. Me? I was Robert Smith, the original goth guy and the lead singer of the Cure, Net: We dressed as Sting from Dune a band which (in my humble yet undeniably correct opinion) plays music very well. Abrupt topic change. No more A&E?!? WTF’nF? Stab me in the head, why don’t ya! I hate you, Daily. You can go to hell. You can go to hell and die. Net: That sounds like a threat! We hope Carnivore was listening to your E-mail Á
From aretheseguysraisedincavesorwhat: I ride the Campus Connector nearly every day to escape to the haven that is the St. Paul campus (no construction!). Net: And away from all those Design School hotties? Why? One thing puzzles me, though, and in desperation I am turning to you, o hallowed Network, for an answer. Why is it when a girl (like myself) sits down next to some guy on the bus, he feels the need to spread his legs out so far he’d take up three entire seats, completely squashing anyone (including me!) in his path? Net: Ever since the ladies wrote to Network and said that they have orgasms because of the bouncy bus, males riding the bus have been in heightened states of sexual awareness. The male next to you finds you attractive and is initiating the only type of flirting he understands: leg contact. A quick peek inside the male mind:
“I find the girl sitting next to me attractive. I will extend my leg until it is in contact with her. If she breaks contact, she does not find me pleasing.”
“Oh no! After the bus drove over that small bump, her leg broke contact! She no longer finds me pleasing!”
“I’ll extend it a little farther. We’re touching! She finds me pleasing again!”
“She moved again! She no longer desires sexual relations!”
Excetera, until his legs are practically at a 180-degree angle
Is he trying to compensate for his incredibly small penis, or is he just a jerk? Or are us lowly feeemales (think of that degrading Ferengi sneer) not worthy of a seat on the bus? Instead of complaining, should I saw off my legs because they’re in some almightyMALE’s way? Net: You’ll never find yourself a husband with that attitude This extreme leg-spreading thing is completely gross — I’m married, Net: sure thank you very much, and besides, the last thing I’m interested in is having to touch some greasy undergrad who thinks he’s God’s gift to everything and everyone. Any suggestions? I’m at the point now where I don’t ever want to sit down on a Connector again. Ewwww.
P.S. To resurrect a somewhat old topic, I think the best place to have sex on campus is Yudof’s desk. He’s messing up our lives with all this construction, let’s mess up his by leaving some *funny* stains all over his office. Net: Volunteers?
From Jamothabat: I would like to respond to Abbey Someone‘s atrociously ignorant comment about the A&E section in the Daily. I for one, enjoyed the reviews for “movies no one would ever see and CDs no one would ever listen to.” I don’t know, maybe I’m just my own person, Net: CONFORM NOW! but I don’t listen to the music that the radio tells me to. Net: You’ll never find a mate with that attitude It’s unfortunate that there are other people out there that also appreciate the good music that people like you don’t deserve to know about. If you don’t like it, don’t read it. I could give a NUT for you or the NUT you listen to, but I hope that Thursday’s A&E that you claim you wiped your ass with left black ink all over your NUT. Get the NUT off me. Net: Goodbye A&E, from all of us here at Network. Haiku day tomorrow!