and Big-Boned, Naughty Pirate
With two weeks until the millennium, University President Mark Yudof is planning to start the year right: buried in a bunker deep within the honeycomb bowels of St. Paul’s limestone cliffs.
Yudof, who closed his Eastcliff home, said the move was in response to his house’s Y2K readiness.
“I like fresh bunnies,” Yudof probably hasn’t ever said. “But I really love ice cream socials. What better way to acclimate freshmen to the University? And whatever happened to that song, ‘At the Hop?’ I loved that song.”
The garbled rhetoric of Yudof is understandable. The University’s president closed the doors to his presidential palace out of fear that the house wouldn’t be ready for the next millennium.
While details are sketchy, it’s believed that Jan Gangelhoff is in a time-lock safe in the manor’s basement with proof that she helped Yudof cheat his way through law school in the ’60s.
“That’s absolutely not true,” somebody not related to the story said. “I’ve never had relations with that woman.”
It is also rumored that the mansion will be used instead to house unruly freshmen next semester or as a burlesque house for rodents.
These students expressed their enthusiasm for the fact that they got free cable and the gigantic mud-wrestling pit in the basement.
Freshman Buck Samuelson had only one question to ask Yudof before taking over the palace.
“Yeah, I have some friends coming down this weekend — could you, like, get me some beer?” he asked.
Yudof refused young Buck’s request, but he offered to provide sparkling apple cider and free pony rides around Eastcliff’s grounds before the apocalypse. Unfortunately, Clem Haskins, in a drunken stupor, crashed the rager before the real fun began.
No rodents could be reached for their comments on the oft-rumored “nude lemming show,” a spin-off of TV’s “Unhappily Ever After.”
Rather than live in the now-gutted Eastcliff, Yudof has taken up residence in St. Paul’s underground, hoping the soft limestone will protect him from Y2K problems.
Typical concerns for Y2K involve cheerleaders achieving any type of importance, people no longer showing interest in sports and somebody actually figuring out who “Buck Samuelson” represents.
No rodents could be reached for any comment on the impending apocalypse. So there.
Also rumored to be imminent at the turn of the century: a Milli Vanilli comeback album (short Rob), women no longer being attracted to “Supercute” John R. Carter (who, in fact, is not “supercute”) and nude pictures of Andre “The Giant” surfacing.

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