Dear Dr. Date,
Hey, how’s it going? Anyway, here’s my problem: I have recently begun talking with this girl in my calc discussion, although only within a larger group of people. She seems to be a great person, and I would like to get to know her better, although probably more on a friendship level for now. I wouldn’t be opposed to something more later on — don’t get me wrong (she’s gorgeous) — but I am very inexperienced in the mysterious ways of the dating world and feel that I should take it pretty slow.
Besides, for all I know, she could be involved with someone right now, and I don’t want to make her uncomfortable by being too forward.
My question is essentially this: If I were to ask her out to coffee or lunch (probably right after class because the class ends at 1:10 p.m.), what is the message I would be sending? Would I be saying to her, “Hey, you seem like a really great person, and I would like to get to know you better,” which is pretty much what I want to convey, or would I be saying, “I want to get me some o’ that”? Like I said, I would just like to keep this simply as a friend-making endeavor. I’d appreciate any thoughts you would have on the matter.
Before I wrap this up, I must congratulate you, Dr. Date, on your excellent responses to these letters. Keep up the good work!
–Communicationally Challenged

Speaking of not being able to speak clearly, what’s up with presidential(!) candidate George W. Bush? Today, I heard three different sound bites in which he said the word “subliminal,” and all three times, he flubbed it. I mean, if a guy can go out in front of the national media and repeatedly say “sumblibable,” surely you can ask this gorgeous woman out for lunch. Right?
You see, friend, successful daters don’t waste time debating the subtle nuances of their approach like this. If you analyze your options too much, you’ll never get around to actually doing anything. Or, if you do manage to settle on a plan, you’ll have thought about it so much that when you say it, it won’t sound right at all.
People like action! Who cares how she takes it? If you are a genuine, respectable guy, then you don’t have anything to worry about. No one gets slapped in the face for asking a person out to lunch. I mean, even if you said it with the most lewd inflection you could muster, “Would you like to join me for lunch?” still sounds like an invitation to lunch.
Even as you read this, you’re wasting valuable time. Get to it, man! The rest of the readers and I aren’t going to stand for any namby-pamby deliberatin’. We want action and we want it now!