Net: Spring’s topi…

Net: Spring’s topics seem not to have established themselves yet, so we regale you with daily-life anecdotes from this University. Enjoy, and remember — rain does pass by, eventually.

From Pissed Off: Well, how are you guys doing? I am pissed off Net: You already said that, and so is my roommate. Net: Must be confusing when people leave phone messages. The wonderful housing authority used their authority to kick us all out of our dorms over spring break. Net: First of all, they aren’t your dorms. Those dorms were paid for by the over-taxed people of Minnesota, who slave away at dead-end jobs so you have a cozy little room to hide your stash. Put up or shut up, punk. And have a great day. Then they have the audacity to open our rooms to our private stuff while we are away, assuming that everything is safe. Yes, we did remember to take our valuable items and lock our doors, but we figured our last quarter’s books would be safe from theft. Net: Depends — were any of them by Che Guevara? Because we think ours might be at the bottom of the Mississippi. Obviously they weren’t, because when we got back from break all of our books were gone — nothing else. Net: Hasta la victoria siempre! It was instant cash of probably about $250 for those heathens Net: Ah-ha! Biology textbooks! and it is perfectly untraceable. What a great idea.
My roommate and I figured that we could just go and steal somebody else’s books to make up for our losses. Net: You are well qualified for Paul Wellstone’s Senate seat, our friend. Then those victims could steal somebody else’s books. Net: Either that, or you could make a film with Kevin Costner and Alan Rickman. It would go on until everybody’s losses are made up for. Then everybody will be happy. Or, we could just start checking out books like other colleges do. Net: But that would be communism, you see. At the University, we take great pride in possessing private property — especially if it’s someone else. Call it the Gopher way.


From Half-Pint: Oh illustrious Network, I lament unto thee. Net: Nice start. You see, there are these displays in the physics building, where you push the button and cool stuff happens. There’s a Jacob’s Ladder which shoots sparks and a rail gun that ejaculates a metal ball, and the aural twankinator which does the unmentionable. They’re all pretty cool, except for this one — the molecular sprinkler. This doesn’t do jack shit. I don’t get it — you press the button and nothing happens.
Are we to believe that, by pressing the said button, molecules just sprinkle everywhere Net: Yes — the pixie dust envelops the land, bringing joy and happiness to all who are graced by it. Can’t you feel love in the air?, or is it akin to a bunk bag of weed — it just doesn’t do anything? It’s physically impotent, unable to perform. Net: Maybe it should run the country. I think it’s just broken.

From Gored Tipper: As a struggling college student, I would like all of you to know that servers in restaurants are to be tipped at least 15 percent when adequate service is given. Net: And servers at massage parlors … This weekend was the absolute worst in tips I have ever seen in my seven and one-half years of serving through high school and college. Net: So when’s that education gonna pay off, huh? Doncha think you’ve been wearin’ that name tag a little too long? Coming from Wisconsin, I initially figured that the pompous attitudes of Minnesota residents would warrant better tipping then in my home state. Net: Not a prayer. We’re a parsimonious people — it’s because so many of us have Czech ancestry. On the contrary, I have come to find that Minnesotans are twice as cheap and have this obsession with drinking only water when dining out. Can you honestly tell me that every single person in a party of 20 prefers to have only water with their meals verses milk, juice, soda or wine? Come on people Net: Smile on your brother … (By the way, we love it when people write “come on people,” so we can make the same joke again and again … Now. Where did our Che Guevara book go?), go out and enjoy yourself for a bit, and learn to tip decently rather than have your ignorance shine through. Net: And we all shine on/ Like the moon and the stars, and the sun. Watch it. Bad tip karma’s gonna get you if you don’t be nicer to us Minnesota folks, pal.

From The Fishin’ Magician: Abercrombie update! Net: We can’t wait. I wore my bright yellow symbol of conformity on Tuesday because it was raining and I wanted to look good. Net: It’s always important to look good when people are running across campus like maniacs, running into one another because their glasses don’t have windshield wipers. Good call. Then I found out the hard way that the thing’s not even waterproof. Net: But hey — you looked good. Looks like purchasing from A&F was only the first time you got soaked. But I can’t stay mad at you, my woobie. Instead, I wrote a haiku to express my feelings:

Hail Abercrombie,
You make me look so damn good,
Like I knew you would.

Net: We’re touched. Moved, even. If anyone else has poetry du jour, please let us know. Spring is springing, and our hearts are fluttering, fancy free. So send us some groovy poetry!