Halloween-ish movies for jaded horror junkies

Emily Eveland

1. “The Loved Ones”

Equal parts humor and horror, “The Loved Ones” will shake you in ways that not even Eli Roth could comprehend. The film starts with your stereotypical high school weirdo being rejected by an emotionally-distressed pretty boy she asks to prom. The pretty-boy shakes her off and proceeds to heavily make out with his girlfriend in his car. Just as things get steamy and the clothes start coming off, he looks out the car window and, yep, the weird girl is watching him. It gets worse, my friends — way, way worse. Highlights include the force feeding of fried chicken, hot water being poured into skull puncture holes and buckets and buckets of unadulterated torture.

 

2. “The Thing”

Yeah, you’ve probably seen “The Thing,” but maybe you were like me and only saw it because your parents made you watch it in the early 90s, promising that it would be tolerated by your 8-year-old mind. And guess what? I totally didn’t tolerate it. I ran out of the room and only peaked around the corner when I knew the aliens were off screen. The juxtaposition between Antarctic serenity and “Evil Dead”-esque aliens is more disconcerting than any other horror combination I can fathom. And there are alien huskies! What more do you want?!

 

3. “Suicide Club”

Again, “Suicide Club” isn’t your straightforward horror film. It’s surely disgusting and unsettling, but there’s also a fair amount of humor and cynicism interspersed. The film is about exactly what it sounds like — a growing number of Japanese students are committing suicide, often together or within minutes of one another. Throw in a famously flamboyant Japanese popstar, long strips of shaved-off skin and a few misplaced musical numbers, and you’ve got yourself a winner. As an emo kid, I worshiped “Suicide Club” and, to be honest, I still sort of do.

 

4. “You’re Next”

“You’re Next” didn’t get the attention it deserved when it officially came out on the big screen earlier this year. The film takes place in a mansion where two standard white American parents are celebrating their anniversary with their kids. Midway through dinner, someone is shot in the head with an arrow. But the fun doesn’t stop there! One by one, everyone in the family is gruesomely murdered. Who’s doing it? Why does it keep happening? Will anyone survive? “You’re Next” is a tongue-in-cheek take on the horror genre that keeps viewers on their toes from start to end.