Net: Well, the slide has begun. The large amount of letters pouring in indicates that most of you have stopped going to class. Wasn’t this going to be the semester that you kept up with your reading? Wasn’t this gonna be the semester that you were going to organize your life? Wasn’t this going to be the semester when you were going to form that study group and create a series of window displays on home safety? Wasn’t this the semester that you we’re gonna kick that heroin addiction? Yeah, so were we, we tell ourselves that every semester — I’m sure we’ll do it next semester.
LAST OF THE V8 INTERCEPTERS
From HateITbutinIT: Shalom. Net: Uh Á falafel It’s obvious that your veiled Net: Veiled? It was a direct quote! reference to oil and pumps is from the great and wonderful Mongus, Net: Actually he was the Humongus from the great and wonderful movie The Road Warrior, starring Mel Gibson, that chick with the crazy hair dressed in white, and the little animal boy with crazy hair Net: Listed in the credits as ‘the feral kid’ who throws a sharpened boomerang.
This movie did vault the career of all three, you might remember such movies as Ransom, Braveheart, and Mad Max beyond Thunderdome. Net: And the feral kid starred in ‘Autumn in New York.’ Oh, wait, that was Richard Gere. They look so similar OK, so only Mel has gone on to make big money; at least animal boy and crazy hair girl didn’t make The Man Without a Face; they can live with some form of respect.
HARVARD SQUARES PT. 2
From Stone Cold: Is Mephistofalafeles kidding? The Harvard Market East is “the finest retail experience to be found on this crummy campus”? Come on, Meph — venture outside the protective bubble of Stadium Village and behold the true majesty of that which is Dinkytown.
In my decidedly non-humble opinion (hereafter referred to as “fact”), the two best “retail experience(s)” near the U of M are located in the building between the coolest post office Net: It’s so boss — it’s the rockinest post office on the block on the planet and the worst bar in the western hemisphere (the Library), The Last Stop CD Shop and Dreamhaven Books.
Last Stop has tons of used music, movies, and video games (all genres) Net: All which can be perused while sipping on a tasty and refreshing Coca-Colaë, and munching on some tangy, crispy Dorito’s Brand Flavored Snack Chipsë and a helpful staff who doesn’t pretend to be cooler than you (like at Cheapo or CD Warehouse); Dreamhaven is the world’s coolest comic store, where the staff is great Net: Almost as great as the staff at Burger King — Where we make it your way!ë geeky but not nerdy and (most of) the customers bathe regularly. Between the two stores, I spend WAY too much money there. Net: Yeah, whatever, if you want to buy an ad, call the business section.
From The Great Jackopotamus: Let’s see here … It’s 1:50 on a Monday morning and what am I doing??? Net: If your us, your watching your videotaped collection of ‘Cleopatra 2525,’ freeze-framing it in a futile attempt to see some nudity I, the Great Jackopotamus, am at my computer having a lemon-flavored Nestea … Hell, it cools me to the core just fine, but that’s not the issue here. You see, after a night of extreme body moving at 1st Avenue, Net: Salsa night? The Jackopotamus was parched. At this time, I had a craving for some iced tea — RASPBERRY iced tea. I figured I’d walk down to Harvard Market East to satisfy my cravings Net: For tea, we hope. Unfortunately I would find that, in fact, Harvard Market East closes at 1:00 AM. Those bastards are only open all hours on Friday and Saturday. So, I was forced to amble back to my place of residence and enlist the service of the friendly Coke machine. MMmmmmmmmmm … LEMON ICED TEA IS SO NUTTING GOOD!!! SOOOOOO TASTY TO THE JACKOPOTAMUS!!!! ESPECIALLY SINCE THE JACKOPOTAMUS HAD A HANKERING FOR SOME NUTTING RASPBERRY ICED TEA!!! DOWN WITH HARVARD MARKET EAST!!!! My friends, only one lesson is to be learned from my misfortune … stock your fridge with raspberry iced tea in case Net: in case you pick up this guy at 1st avenue the event should arise that you have a craving for it at 1:10 in the morning on any morning other than Saturday or Sunday.
SCOOTERSHEEP
From NormalGuy: Hello, Network. Long time listener, first time caller. The question that I think is obviously plaguing every semi-observant mind on this campus is: “What’s the deal with all those scooter things?” Didn’t people stop riding those things when they left grade school? Net: Apparently not What marketing genius realized that it’s incredibly simple to get dumbass college students to make themselves look like idiots by riding around on little-kid toys? Net: Apparently the same marketing geniuses who designed the Toyota Echo.
In Moos Tower the other day, I got in the elevator with two matted-hair-having assholes, and all they could do was grin about their stupid scooters. Net: the next big thing on campus: Wham-O Roller-Racer. (See figure ##1). It’s the natural progression. You heard it in Network first. How cool would you look pimpin’ across campus in a Wham-O Roller-Racer? They didn’t say anything that I could recognize as English, but I could tell exactly what they were thinking. It was: “I like my scooter. I think it is really good and nice. When I ride my scooter, I am sure that girls think that I am good and nice. I am.” Well, I’m no girl, but I can assure you that they don’t think that you are anything that even remotely resembles “good and nice.” They, like I and many others, think: “Look at that guy. He sucks. I hope he gets run over.” Thank you for your time. Net: Thanks for the memories Á Discussion topic for today: What ever happened to Wham-O? Does the disappearance of Wham-O reflect on the changing tides of children’s toymaking? Why? How? Zuh?
Please write 3-5 pages in blue/black ink, double-spaced on white writing paper, burn it, and tell us what the flames looked like.
