Net: Hey freshNUTS, we hope you paid attention to the front page of yesterday’s paper. It had a MAP to the 10 best party houses in the University area! Yep, the results are in and the U Police have chosen their ten favorite places to bust. Our congratulations to all the houses involved. You all should be proud for just participating. It was a tough competition, with countless kegs emptied, Jell-O shots consumed, freshmen groped, barf puked and houseplants defiled. Our suggestion: Laminate the map from yesterday and carry it around with your little herd when y’all go party-searching this Saturday night. Truly, it is news you can use. This segues nicely into our first letter. HOW CONVENIENT!!!!
From Nasty McShasty: Hey Net, did you see the big fat picture with the bunch of “stoned faced” crazy’s on the front of the Daily on Tuesday? Net: Hell yeah, we especially liked the short kid with the big buttons in the center. And that girl on the right can lean on our railing anytime! Hoo-AH! Shit, you probably wrote the article, Net: Yes, Network is Shira Kantor but anyway those guys throw the best damn party East of 35W and West of 14th ave! Actually, the only time I’ve been there was this one time, with a “friend of a friend of a friend”, and everyone was doing lots of designer drugs, Net: Clinique cocaine? and this chick tried to get all up on my shit, Net: Chicks with scat fetishes are weird and I had to beat her off me with a stick. Wait a sec, that never happens to me … Well, now that I think about it, it might have been the other way around, but I don’t really remember too much. I was too busy dancing the Roger Rabbit and the running man to care. I don’t know why, but when I was at their place, they played such killer music Net: Laika? Meatloaf? I just had to bust out my retro dance moves, like “the sprinkler” and “the lawn mower”. Net: Don’t forget ‘the butter churn’ Every once in a while, I would pull off a head spin, but I kinda blow at those. To be totally honest with you Net, those are the ONLY dance moves I know. I’m such a putz. Anyway, even if I’m lamer than lame, I still felt like a brand new five dollar bill partying at 1309 E. Hennepin, so I just gotta give it up to my “1309 hotties”. Peace.
From Helper mOnkey: I have been meaning to write in for awhile about a few questions I have, first of all, what’s with “heavyset” people in the weight room? Net: Just like the rest of us: LOOKIN’ FER HOTTIES! Shouldn’t they be running or something, I mean come on, you’re just gonna make yourself bigger, and no one’s gonna be able to see your new muscles under your fat, if you want to look and feel better go for a run, and stop sweating up the machines. Has the campus always been so torn up? Is the construction process continual? Net: It is a never-ending cycle, just like the *cue music* CIRCLEEEEE OF LIIIIIFE Has every class that has gone through this university had to dodge construction equipment between every class and search for a place to study on campus? Or are we just being NUTTING screwed over? Third thing, JM is ho (Tuesday’s net) what’s the deal with him anyway? Net: He had a screwed-up childhood, it’s not his fault Everyday he’s with another man! Why can’t I have this kind of luck with women? Net: You are undesirable That is all.
From wonderful crazy:
Damn cabin fever,
Bottom of the barrel when
I write in to Net.
Lame haikus insult
an ancient art form daily.
Let these be the last.
squirrels in the snow,
I spy them from my window
and eat their acorns.
Choke down dry turkey.
Pubic hair in Grandma’s squash.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Net: All campus waits for
Super Crazy Net Contest
Classes are cancelled
From Ned_Braden: My name is Ned, and I’m an IT student. Net: Hi, Ned I have recently become a member of IT anonymous and I’m beginning to face the fact that I am socially inferior to everybody. I’m not sure why I have gained this status solely by being smart in science, but I guess I have to face up to my identity. I’m a little upset that people stereotype me as being a nerd. I don’t own a computer, Net: So you’re ostracized by IT as well as CLA people? Ouch and I don’t wear Wrangler jeans. I have a friend in CLA who is proud of the fact that he once jacked off eight times in one day. Net: Only eight? Must be a freshman Á I think he’s got more problems than most IT people. I’m proud of the fact that when I graduate, I’ll be able to serve society with a useful job and make 50 grand a year, while others struggle to find a job delivering pizza. I’ll admit that some IT people are “nerds”, but we don’t jack off all the time, Net: Yeah, they take frequent breaks for nacho consumption and Everquest playing we don’t like having sex with fat chicks and we definitely don’t appreciate the fact that fat chicks are always horny. Net: Why is that? That could be a good Net topic! Networkians? And how come CLA is filled with fat chicks? The people who bad-mouth IT are just jealous that there are no fat chicks in IT, in fact there are no chicks in IT. In conclusion, IT has nerds, but at least we don’t have fat chicks. Net: But fat nerds? hmm Á
From AttachedITStudent: Ahem. I am an IT student. Net: *Gasp* And we printed this? D’oh! Specifically, I am a computer science major, the worst of the bunch (with the possible exception of those Comp Eng and EE kids (doubly nested parenthetical statements (scheme, )). Uh, right. In any case, I would just like to point out that I have been dating different women pretty much continuously Net: Your mom doesn’t count for the last two years now. I have had sex. Net: Again, your mom doesn’t count I even enjoy going down on women. Net: For the last time, YOUR MOM DOESN’T COUNT! I am a geek. I am a nerd. I am a love-animal. I am an IT Student! Yes. I know most of the others are losers. At least most of you people don’t have listen to them debate the finer points of whether Unreal Tournament is better than Quake 3 Arena Net: They both suck. Daikatana forever! or not on a near daily basis. Consider yourselves lucky. Net: We’ll refrain from printing the end of this letter as it contained an insult so egregious that it made our eyeball-entities water with anger. We also have run out of space.
