DESERT STORMIN’…

DESERT STORMIN’

From Machiavelli Jr.: There are two viable options we have for managing Iraq Net: One lump or two? (OK, three, but I don’t think Saddam will take over as Mr. Sprewell’s agent).
First, invade the Shi’ite-dominated ex-marshland on the gulf coast of Iraq (that’s north of Tampa for you geography majors) and turn it into a native-run autonomous U.N. protectorate. This will drive everyone in the region crazy trying to figure out what to do. Should Iran support the liberated co-religionists, or fear the nearness of the Great Satan? Net: Maybe they could just become Satan-worshippers. Most of the world is — just look at the prevalence of Coca-Cola and blue jeans.
Should the Saudis be emboldened thanks to a weakened Saddam, or annoyed that Shi’a Islam has yet another base? I love it.
Second, just forget it. Saddam is already in a win-win situation. Let him build his nukes, his fried chicken botulin bombs, his pungi sticks of doom. Let him use them. If he attacks his neighbors, then the United States will look very good indeed. Net: And be in a very bad military position, which mean a lot of body bags in Peoria. If he attacks Israel, then he is in serious trouble from that quarter as well. Embargoes only work if the world is in favor, and if the targeted ruling classes actually care about at least some of their people. If not, then as with Cuba and Libya very little will be accomplished Net: What do you mean, very little has been accomplished. We’ve deprived children of proper health care! We’re the Great Satan, and you don’t call that an accomplishment!?! and U.S. image suffers.
Oil is not an issue. After all, if the world uses less oil because of war-induced shortages the rate of global warming decreases. Net: Which destroys our long-range stop Saddam strategy — warm up the globe until he sweats to death. Another win-win.

From HWA: As I am walking back from class, I notice a small table set up in front of Coffman Memorial Union. I have not yet read what the sign says, but it has “Iraq” written at the bottom. Thinking that the sign says, “Bomb Iraq” or “Death to Iraq” I walked over to the table.
To my shock (and disgust), the stand is petitioning the United States to stop some sanctions against the people of Iraq. Net: The nerve. The next thing you know, they’ll be asking you to love your neighbor or something completely opposite the ideals of the Great Satan. After I politely told the “activists” to “@##$## off” I walked home. Net: Way to promote civil discourse. On my way back to lovely Centennial Hall, I became really upset about what I had just encountered. I asked myself, “Why in the hell should we end these sanctions against Iraq?”
Is it really America’s fault that this poor, poor country is lead by some Hitler wannabe? Net: Is it the fault of the people we’re starving that they might be afraid of being slaughtered by the millions if they revolt, or the fault of the people we’re starving if they’re afraid of being slaughtered by us? No. Is it America’s fault that Iraqi people are suffering because of their leader’s actions? Net: Is it our fault if we kill another quarter million of them and leave the leader around, like we did in ’91? No.
If they really don’t understand why these “sanctions” were imposed, maybe they should 1) look at their leader’s track record and 2) stop bitching and whining before they eat it Reno style. Net: If you’re talking about the Iraqi citizens, we haven’t heard much “bitching and whining.” Maybe a few screams from the poison gas — that’s about it. And if you’re talking about the activists, we don’t know what leader you’re talking about.
To the people asking for my signature to stop sanctions against Iraq: Get a real cause, and get your lame argument out of my face. We already have enough trash to deal with on campus. Net: Especially the verbal kind. And to Iraq (because I’m sure they are reading this): Net: A paranoid man would be. What goes around comes around, baby. Deal with it.
God Bless the United States of America.

From Njal: This is in response to Peewee‘s letter yesterday. It is refreshing to see that some University students realize that there are more than two sides involved in world decisions. Sadly though, Peewee, we here at the University are given little information about the rest of the world. For example, yesterday’s Daily. The standard half page of world news, followed by 10 pages of sports. Net: You’re complaining? It could be worse — you could be seeing 10 pages of us! It seems that the only space for political freedom and comment is in the Network Net: Good thing we’re kept in check, so to all of you “innocent people” preachers, wake up and smell the ANTHRAX. Thanks Peewee for pointing out that Iraq intends more for their chemical/biological weapons than just keeping them hidden from us. And as for keeping our noses out of other people’s affairs, take your own advice and leave Clinton alone.

SMOLDERING SMOKE

From Genny Hex: I really don’t think smoking is something to be proud of, and I don’t know why somebody would support it. Mentioning that crap about tobacco farming being very important and that farmers need the job to support their families, well, nobody seems to be supporting abortionists — don’t they too have families to feed?? Net: Only if they choose to.
You ask most smokers why they started in the first place, and they will tell you they started when they were young because they thought it was cool and now they wish they could quit but they can’t — that’s called immaturity. Net: Or medically proven addiction. Smoking will not make you cool, get friends or make you a success. Face it — smoking is for losers. Net: And with that, we send you off on your way. Remember — speech is free, and at Network, we’re not afraid to be cheap. Keep on rockin’ in the free world!