Network: TheDarkRoyale, Jay P. Money, Canis

>From TheDarkRoyale

So only a handful of students show up to vote in the primaries. What the hell are the primaries anyway? Net: Red, blue and green. And Independence. That was the first question that came to the minds of myself and others. Sure I’m over 18; I’ll take a stab at this “primaries” business. Hold up for a few minor discrepancies: (1)My driver’s license has an old address on it since I’ve moved thrice in a year. Net: Anyone who uses the word “thrice” is obviously a foreign spy. (2)I haven’t received a utility bill to prove my current residence because I just moved into it two weeks ago. (3)I haven’t got a clue in the world to save me. Net: Did you really need to point that out? Wow, this registration stuff is real convenient for me. Some of us who got off our fat asses to try and vote got screwed over by the dorm-to home-to apartment transfer. As far as the voter registration board is concerned, I’m a politically voiced vagrant. With further thought Ö does proof of address restrict our homeless homies from voting? What if their social status was brought on by loss of jobs or employer bankruptcy due to some Presidential/Congressional misrepresentation and they can’t vote in a better suited candidate because The Dumpster Behind Arby’s on Washington isn’t a valid address? I think there’s something screwy with the registration system. Anywho, those of you who haven’t registered can go to www.iwanttovote.com; you can register online and supposedly they even pay the postage for any paperwork needing to be mailed in the process. Happy Trails. Net: Or, you could just have someone from your precinct vouch for you.

From Jay P. Money

Your inability to publish relevant yet revolutionary news will be your downfall. Net: At least we’ll be in good company. I am deeply hurt and ashamed of YOU and your refusal to publish my previous doctrine. I am a reasonable man of minimal means, seeking to survive in this dog-eat-original idea society. So please, allow me to briefly introduce the… “Kollege Kids’ Key to Kwik Kash on Kampus” Lesson 1: Sling Dogs in the Street. Since Johnny Law says we can’t sell ourselves, our organs, or our class seats on eBay, I suggest the next best thing: plump, juicy hotdogs. While it may not be the most appealing profession, consider the low cost of materials and the pure profit potential. Walk down frat row and sell to the sloppy drunks and hungry half-baked heros. Complement the walking wienermobile with a wiener for a hat and you’ll be a winner in life. Plus, you could develop some sexy new nicknames. Net: NO HOTDOG! KAVKALASH!

From Canis

Yo Net, Is it cold in your tank? Net: Aside from the chilling numbness of the void that seeps into our very dreams – no. Seems like you’ve had a serious problem with shrinkage lately. It’s really disappointing to see that you’ve become the ads’ bitch. Back in my freshman year you ruled the back page. Hell, you took up a good 3/4 on one glorious day, and that was before the rest of the daily whored itself out to the broadsheet. Net: Don’t be too hard on the rest of the paper. It’s got a serious meth habit and it owes money to a bunch of dealers. Sure, broadsheet is a tough way to get by, but sometimes newspapers fall through the cracks. Seriously, you should have made that CLA punk cry yesterday. He thinks CLA has it bad, try being a Scot in CBS. But, I guess there was just no room for it with that massive e-bay ad crowding you out. Ya gotta start fighting back Net. Or else they’ll will start thinking they can bump you out entirely and put in a second crossword puzzle. Net: Yeah, like you’d be sooo sad if that happened.