SAVE THE MOOS
From Johnny Quest: Hmm … I don’t know if the Daily is available in jail, but … Net: for the hefty sum of ten cigarettes and a “backrub.”
This is directed at that moron who was hanging off the side of Moos Tower. Let’s call him “Dumb-ass”. Who do you think you are, Dumb-ass? Net: Peter Parker with an agenda? Do you think you have the right to disrupt the University’s daily flow with your harebrained animal activist sh-t? I don’t think you do. What the hell were you doing besides causing a traffic jam … protesting? Dumb-ass, it appeared you had a banner with writing on it, but all that was visible was “STOP” … which was barely decipherable because your printing sucked. Net: That’s because it was written in toxin-free ink on a weevil-safe, cotton manuscript. Try to write a little clearer next time, eh? (Not that there EVER should be a next time). By putting two and two together, I figured out that you were “protesting” the animal testing that they are doing. I’ve got an idea for you, Dumb-ass. How about *YOU* volunteer to be tested on, then they will be able to release all the precious monkeys into their natural MINNESOTA habitat … Net: They tried that last spring; they all went over to the Metrodome and started playing baseball. Dumb-ass, why don’t you just gather all your little ‘anti-human’ cronies and either 1) Go live at the zoo, or 2) Let the nice doctors and scientists do their jobs so that they can make life better for all people alike — even you!
IF YOU’RE JUST STARING AT YOUR WALLS
From Messed in the Head: I think I am losing my mind (and not just from reading Network daily … in the Daily of course). Net: Well, we are online. I think perhaps it might be the syphilis; they say you go nuts if it is untreated too long. But I think I am going crazy because I really don’t like people anymore. Net: Try listening to their ranting and raving all day. Doesn’t help. I have no social life and I don’t really miss it. I even got into the whole chat room, online socializing crap for awhile, but I decided I don’t like those people either. I have no plans for the future. I want to do nothing but drink, look at cyber-porn, and masturbate (not that I wouldn’t prefer a live woman, but that is just too much work … and requires interaction with all of you people). I can’t possibly be healthy can I? Well, I am writing to the almighty Network to see if there are any other people like me out there, or if anyone knows of some good drugs for my condition (I was thinking heroin, but I don’t know where to score any … not really my crowd). Net: Go to the Loring and ask the staff, we’ve heard. You know, the funny thing is I was once a nerd and cared about things and stuff. Strange what Valentine’s Day can do to ya. Well … wish me luck. Net: Do not despair, our moribund Networkian friend! When the King of Terror doth descend, prepare to lead the conquering resistance, with thine unwavering disdain! We have foreseen it …
MEHR PARKPLATZE GESCHICHTEN
From Ruth(less): As I was waiting to get into the all-day parking lot on the East Bank, I couldn’t help but notice that the boy working inside the booth was laughing at all the people waiting to get in. Net: Oh, didn’t you see? They were all making faces at you. After trying to get into several lots, I waited outside this commuter lot for 40 minutes, and the entire time I was there, this person was leaning back in a chair with his arms folded and an amused smile on his face, his merry eyes locked on ours as we glared back at him. Car after car exited the lot as we sat there waiting. He laughed at all of us, like we were fools. Everyone else looked upset. I just want to warn that boy that some of the people in those cars looked really crazy, Net: Flashback and I know from reading The Network that the University is full of crazies. Even if you were laughing at something else Net: He sure as hell wasn’t listening to Howard Stern or you were just having a good day, waiting in line can make people lose their rationality. Be careful! Net: You hear that, park-boy? No more laughing, smiling, tittering, arm-folding, chair-leaning, snickering, yellow jacket-wearing, merry eye-making, ticket-taking, sleeping dog-waking or otherwise crazy person-encouraging! You are to sit, stoically, unamused, and permit motorists to park freely, AT ALL COSTS! There. Solved.
ALL LOST AND FOUND, ALL THE TIME
From Dumbass: Net: Not the same dumbass hanging from Moos Tower yesterday, we assure you. Oh Network, I call upon you for your great ability to make my day, and your will to perform all those unselfish deeds for those of us that keep losing our stuff. Net: Can’t you people keep track of anything? Unfortunately I left my TI-85 calculator in Physics room 153 Thursday afternoon (Feb. 18). Now normally I could get over it, but I’ve got an insane test coming up and I can’t just shovel out another $100. Could you do me a favor and work your magic and print this message in hopes that someone could return it? (my name and number are engraved on the cover.)
From Humble Servant, Greetings, Network, Doer of Great Deeds! Once again, I turn to you as a humble servant, seeking to repair an imperfection in the world. Net: No, we will not help you “rub out” Sally Struthers. Some kind soul, or at least cold head, has misplaced a black hat behind the Sports Pavilion (on the Fourth Street sidewalk). I picked it up in order to offer it to you to return to that hatless individual. Net: Would that prevent him from doing the S-A-F-E-T-Y D-A-N-C-E? Please help me in this task, for you have far greater power to reach the University community than I.
Net: Monday, more haiku.
Send more entries this weekend.
Frolic and revel!
