From Detective Furburger: Dear Net, we, the people of Comstock Hall, Net: in order to form a more perfect stinkpot of feather-brained freshpeople … are bringing our troubles to you, the highly esteemed court we call Net. The men on the second floor of Comstock are fed up with a certain “Pubic Hair Bandit” Net: YAR! ‘Tis we, matey, spreading our fur hither and yon!! Bow down and pay homage to our awful dander! who tends to leave his shaven bundles of joy in the second shower in the left-hand corner. These hairs are much too long to be coming from any normal human being. Net: That’s because normal human beings don’t shed. ‘Cept for those crotchety old comb-over dudes. I don’t know which one of the residents could house such an abnormally large amount of hair down there. There have been accusations pointed to a certain someone’s girlfriend that frequents the premises. Net: Oh yeah … we gotta meet her. Nothing revs up a Net like shaggy chicks. We will leave her anonymous for now. We have gone so far as to put up signs in every stall and by both showers stating our disgust with this individual or, perhaps, individuals. Net: Little trial-size bottles of Nair would probably be more effective. Although we do not have the identity of the pubic hair bandit, let it be known that we are hot on your trail. We will no longer stand back while our friends have to “stand in” your pile of pubes. Net: Gather ’em all up, mix ’em with some caulk and you’ve got yourself a loofah! WE WILL GET YOU, PUBE BANDIT! WE WILL GET YOU!
From B.Warner015: I was about to get all upset when I noticed that my last submission to Network had been passed up. Net: Yeah, we were a bit perturbed when our last entry to Hustler’s “Beaver Hunt” was rejected. Something about lacking the appropriate “equipment.” It was me bitching about Network sucking and whatever, but after reading ISeeLondonISeeFrance‘s submission, I would like to applaud you for passing mine up. Girls wearing low pants with thongs showing is way cooler than what I wrote. Net: Umm … uh-huh. Yeah. That is as long as girls are good looking. But I gotta disagree with Net, I think I’d rather see some panties than an ass-crack. Net: Are we talking about the pubes girl again? And as long as we’re on the subject, I think we should discuss the best kind of panties on a woman. I’m a fan of the cotton panties myself. But they gotta be the right kind — I think the term is V-cut — Net: There’s no such thing as a “V-cut,” as far as we can tell, but thanks for playing but I don’t remember ’cause I haven’t had the privilege of visiting a Victoria’s Secret since I became single. What does everyone else think? Net: We think your girlfriend is suddenly considering her options …
From Lord Griever: Net: At least we think that’s your name. Some people just can’t grasp “format.” Listen to this one. I was walking to class on Thursday, already bored out of my mind. I climb the stairs inside Willey Hall and see the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. Net: Regis Philbin, resplendent in nothing but a toga and an olive leaf tiara, his arms spread wide and “THE FINAL ANSWER” written in honey butter across his fuzzy chest? A big sign is hanging on the wall that says “Pot 4 Sale.” My heart stops, my jaw hangs and I start to drool. I don’t remember Jesse coming through for me, but I didn’t care. Net: He doesn’t either, and neither does he. I ran up to the pot stand. The tables were covered with little clay things. My usual dealers never used clay to put drugs in, but I just thought these people were stupid or something. Net: Naah. Advertising for a pot stand? That’s marketing genius. We’re just surprised it didn’t happen over at Carlson. Anyway, I walked up, pulled out about a hundred bucks and asked for a half kilo. Net: Cheapskate. The woman running the stand looks at me and says, “I’m sorry, I don’t know … NOW!!!” Next thing I know, a dozen cops grapnel Net: Grapnel? Hmm … we assume this is an interesting combination of grapple, rappel and shrapnel, which, if they were wrestlers falling through a pane of glass, might be appropriate from the ceiling and start clubbing me into submission. “You have the right to remain silent,” they said. “F&@k you!” I said. I somehow managed to slither away. I just thought I would warn you about this sting operation before more are claimed by the pigs!! Net: Yeah, and watch out for other hallucin … er, Philbins whileyerattit.

To Princess Lea from PJ: I recently transferred down to the University from St. Cloud State for two reasons: The name (U of M is far more recognizable to possible employers than SCSU) Net: Translation: fewer syllables for multi-challenged SCSU transfer students to enunciate and in hopes of a better education Net: Translation: proximity to Aventis, formerly Centeon, the latter being a huge disappointment. At St. Cloud State, I had better professors, smaller class sizes and, oddly enough, during the whole week, I was actually taught the entire time by professors and not teaching assistants! Net: Translation: Damn. Professors are not as easy to manipulate. While I was at SCSU, I had a total of four classes with more than 100 students; however, in just two semester here I have already had six. Net: Translation: I don’t find myself stumbling drunk as often down here, so I tend to go to class. In all of these classes, I spent at least one day with a TA instead of a professor. What a fine institution this is. As far as the student body of both of these universities are concerned, I have seen firsthand University students get drunk, puke on themselves and others, and (this might be shocking) say f&@k. Net: Translation: There are a lot of SCSU transfer students here. Strangely enough, college students at these two universities are pretty similar, and there is always a percentage who are morons and a$$holes, Net: Translation: SCSU has a greek system, too (sorry … even we have to admit that was a low blow) the University is no exception. I have four friends who graduated from SCSU and several who still go there. They are some of the most intelligent people I have ever met. Net: Translation: People don’t talk to me here. Broad, sweeping comments covering entire student populations like “drunken heathens” and “neanderthals” are misplaced and ignorant. Net: Translation: speaking from experience.