Net: As we compose this letter, we are, as usual, plowed under. Mother Nature’s conspiracy against MWF classes continues. When you read this, you will undoubtedly be experiencing the calm before yet another storm. So please, relax — enjoy this moment. Because remember, these are the good old days.
From Matt: Shipwrecks suck. Net: Brilliant thesis. Want to join the Daily’s editorial board? Lord knows, almost everyone knows that. Net: True — but can you argue the obvious persuasively? If so, perhaps a career in academe is waiting for you. But I’m not talking about lame-ass shipwrecks like the “Titanic.” Net: Where even the pretty boys died. No, no, no … Almost nobody actually went DOWN in that ship. I’m talking about wrecks like the “Lusitania,” or even the “Musashi.” Net: Psst … quick history lessons for all of you who accepted “Anastasia” as fact: The “Lusitania” and “Musashi” were really big boats that were sunk in really bad wars that many of your ancestors fought in. Wartime sinkings, where the ship gets sucked down fast because of a gaping torpedo or bomb hole. Where crewmen and passengers are stuck in air bubbles for the long cold ride down to the depths of the ocean, until the pressure collapses the ship. Net: Hey. A lot of people are eating breakfast as they read this. Are you trying to give all the freshmen nightmares?
But one thing has always bothered me. When we go explore these ships, where the hell are all the bodies?!?!? These wrecks have been undisturbed for years, and yet there are no friggin’ bodies anywhere? Net: Because (we’re so proud we know this — NITWIT saw the “Titanic” docu-flick at the Science Museum a couple years ago — the water pressure and acids of the deep quickly ground the bones of the passengers into a fine dust within a few years of the sinking. That’s why only a few more durable, more acid-resistant, items survive.
It would be possible for a body to resist all odds, but highly unlikely — and as you note, it hasn’t happened in the aforementioned ships. Net: A second theory proposed by one of us Netheads was the more obvious and logical explanation — alien abduction. It should be a virtual plethora of carnage! Bloated, torn and battered bodies should be strewn across the barren ocean floor. Net: Very true, Matt, but as you well know, we do not live in a perfect world.
I know that fish probably pick at the things, but there should be skeletons around at least. Nope. Nothing. There’s no evidence of bodies down there. So where do they go? Net: To Hollywood, calling for the movie rights. Hey baby, let’s keep in touch.
I once read that the salt in the water will eat away at the organic remains in the ocean. Net: And if you believe everything you read, you should never cast your eyes on this page. Dear Lord! What’s going on?!?!?! Are scientists trying to tell us that salt water is actually a carrion eater?! Don’t go swimming folks, cause that water’s a killer! Net: Only if you’re in the Mississippi River. Mmmmm … mercury! Oh God! Somebody warn those poor folks in Salt Lake City!!!!!!!! Net: They already know. Why do you think the Mormons are so secretive?
It’s not too late! RUN!!!!!! It’s coming for us!!!
From ConfusedCollegeStudent: Net: Quick note. In the future, ConfusedCollegeStudent, please adopt a less generic name.
Here’s the thing … I have spent four long years here at the University and have suffered through several rude encounters with many University employees, Net: So, how does that make you feel? Got that sinking feeling? Feeling the lethal salt water slowly consuming your bones merely moments after the steerage compartment of life burst forth, sending you to a death from drowning when seconds earlier you were merely suffocating? We’re familiar with this feeling … but this one bears an entry to my only sanctuary: The Network. Net: Just wait until the portals burst. I was sitting in the Eddy Hall computer lab. After waiting my turn in line I began working on a paper that was due within the next couple of hours. Like many of the students there I took a break to check my e-mail and play a little chess on the Internet. Net: With a paper due in a couple of hours. Unless you’re Deep Blue or something, it sounds like you have some major procrastination problems.
Within five minutes I felt a tap on my shoulder from a middle-aged woman claiming that she had already logged on to my computer. Net: A common pick-up line if we ever heard one. I replied by letting her know that I had been on the computer for about a half an hour and she couldn’t be at the right computer. Net: Nice move. Play hard to get. Moments later the lab attendant came and told me to get off Net: Wow. That’s forward. What lab were you in again? NITWIT needs a date the computer because I was only playing games. Net: We like ’em direct. What the @^$##!!! Net: Exactly. After I closed all my applications and gathered my belongings I stood up and realized that the lab was half full!! Net: See, you’re already playing into their hands. In reality, the lab was half empty. I confronted the lab attendant and he says, “Uhhh, well you could log on to another computer.”
And so I warn all the squirrel- fearing, Abercrombie-wearing, winter-bicyclist types to avoid the Eddy Hall lab because conspiracy lurks there!
Net: Thanks, Confused. We’ll heed your warning and abandon ship. Just remember, when you walk through a lab, hold your head up high — and stay away from the icebergs forming outside. If we just hang together, we’ll be safe. Take care, and hasta …
