Net: Summer is no s…

Net: Summer is no stranger to sporadic amounts of e-mails to good ‘ole Net, and in the good ‘ole newspaper business, you gotta fill the space they give you. So what’s a Network to do? After several managerial meetings and pints of scotch, we decided to give you, the average Net reader, a taste of what it’s like to be a Minnesota Daily employee! Besides the hordes of bikini-clad women and speedo-donning Chippendale males (depending on your preference) that are always crowded around a Daily employee, we also receive “business” related e-mails on a constant basis! Here are a few real e-mails that Daily employees have received just in the past few days!
From TwinDancer: Normally, I don’t get upset when I get to work and there is another car in my parking space. Net: That’s a relief. Let’s hope siphoning gas out of your car doesn’t make you angry, either. But then, two days ago, I got towed because I parked in the middle spaces when someone was in the spot I park in, so now I feel justified. Net: Scary things happen when anger is “justified.” Apparently this person never read their history books in high school.
Spot ##5 is for the associate editors. There are two of us. Net: Two, bonded by the love to butcher other peoples’ writing. There should only be two cars in that spot. Net: Must be a BIG spot. I know it sucks for people who do not have a spot because I didn’t for a long time. Net: It pays to be patient and climb the ladder. And remember, crime never pays (except for gasoline siphoning. That crap is expensive!). But it’s also not fair that I paid $150 when I should have been able to park in my spot. Net: That’s $150 of money earned from hours of blood, sweat and tears to put this paper out and inform the entire campus about the latest goings-on. Sometimes, nobody wins. I hate to get upset about it, but please don’t park in the spot unless you are an associate editor. Thank you! Net: De nada!
Net: We all need jobs once we’re out of college, and Daily employees are no exception! Here’s an informative job update for a position at a local metropolitan newspaper:
Need to make some extra money and gain some clips all at the same time? Net: This sounds too good to be true! Our paper’s Features Department has two short-term, part-time openings for a news assistant to work on upcoming special sections, including a “Best Of” edition and a holiday shopping and site guide. Net: A “Best Of” edition eh? Maybe with our hard work and persuasion, the Mall of America will get “Best Mall” and FINALLY get the recognition it deserves! We need one person immediately, and the job would run into early September; the other could start in August or even September and end in early November. Net: We’d apply, but those are our “nap” months. The hours are flexible, but work will mainly be days, and you could be up to 30 hours a week during peak activity. Net: We assume “peak activity” is when everyone stops drinking. Jobs include putting information together, fact-checking, proof reading, helping to set up photographs with photographers and retail/public contacts, soliciting handout photo materials and other duties as assigned, including some writing and reporting. Net: It must be a coincidence that they left “get coffee,” “make coffee,” “clean coffee machine and surrounding urinals,” and “dinner pick-up” out of that list of duties. Must be a good speller and writer and be very anal retentive on the details. Net: Anal retentiveness is always a great quality of a fellow co-worker. We hope you will bring a fun and lively attitude to the projects, be Internet savvy and do good phone. Net: Lively, savvy and “do good phone?” This sounds like a 900-number. A consumer interest or knowledge of shopping/retail/scrounging/eating is going to be helpful. Net: They should recruit at the Carlson School. Pay is $6.45 to $7.60 per hour, depending on experience. Net: Maybe you, too, can be a journalistic lackey for barely more than minimum wage!
From 2timeDr.DateReader: I hate to point this out for fear of sounding like a regular Dr. Date reader, Net: Those people are horribly ostracized. but the column that Electrongirl found so “readable” this week was ripped out of a Daily from earlier this year! I remember it from just before finals week. Net: We have also found that particular column to be a little too much like one we have seen in the past. Is it possible that people’s lives on this campus imitate each other? Is this some weird karmic web? Or something. Oh yeah, and “Hi” there, Net, you pine-fresh pontiff of perversion (Isn’t that the sort of thing that needs to be included to get printed?). Net: If you’re implying that kissing our pine-fresh bottom gets you into the paper, you’re sorely mistaken. It’s obviously the bags upon bags of Andy Capp’s Salsa Fries that you have given us. Buy yours today!

From Nasty McShasty: Yo, yo. What’s up with all my homies on the west siiiide!? Net: Last we checked, your mom and that weird guy who talks to bus benches were doing fine. I know that was so eighth grade, but consider the source. Net: No need. You go to the University; how smart can you be? I’m sorry for not writing in lately. It’s just that I have been too busy getting dumped by girls and playing with my friend Righty, that I just haven’t had a chance. Net: We suddenly feel kinda ill knowing that you hand typed this letter. Actually, I have been looking for a place to live, but rent all over campus has gone up like 20 f**king percent in the last year. Net: But those Dinkytown houses are so well kept! It’s insane. I think that next time those animal-rights morons set up cages again, to live in, I’m going to lease one of those nice pieces of sh*t. Net: You’ll have plenty of open surrounding space, good ventilation, and lots and lots of guinea pig urine! Seriously, I live in a ghetto two-bedroom apartment, and they want $920 bucks a month for that hole. Got any advice, Mr. Netski? Net: Could always work at the Daily and live here. We do! Well, I have to get going, it’s Friday night, works over, and I have 24 beers that need to be drank. Net: Hopefully, you paced yourself. Peace. Net: Indeed.