>From Sneaky Sneakster

Thank God Brother Jeb was back on Monday after the long and soulless weekend I had. In his absence, I nearly forgot that my behaviors of moderate drinking, pre-marital sex, swearing, and hanging out with the random homosexual were what was going to send me straight to Satan. Net: You had perhaps assumed it was instead your behaviors of cutting in front of people in the line for the Campus Connector, wearing too much “M” merchandise and allowing your cell phone to ring during class? Good thing he reminded me. Now I’m really going to change my ways. That is, until this weekend, when I don’t have some suspendered “man of God” hurling verbal diarrhea at me on my way to class. Net: Better that than a frat boy hurling actual diarrhea on you on your way to Dinkytown.

From Jingleberries

As a supposed omniscient cyber-entity floating in a vat of aqueous nutrients, I am deeply chagrined at your lack of cosmopolitan cognizance. Net: Oh, somebody thinks he’s quite the smartypants, doesn’t he? You see, tucked way in a hallowed back corner of the otherwise useless Communist Fishwrap, you wrote that the Dutch put mayo on their fries (or friet as we Dutch folk refer to them). While this isn’t entirely incorrect, the tasty white condiment we call frietsaus comes not in jars bearing the Miracle Whip label. Frietsaus is much tastier. And since I’m on the topic of french fry derivatives, I also feel compelled to mention Friet saté, which would be fries with tasty peanut sauce. Net: Perhaps it escaped your notice down in Carbondale, but there was a fairly well-received film that came out approximately 10 years ago called “Pulp Fiction.” You are aware that there’s an invention called “movies,” right? Anyway, in this “movie” two of the characters have a humorous discussion of cultural differences regarding french fry condiments, dumbass. Finally, let’s not forget our friends in the great state to the North, Canada. Those Canucks have engineered a lovely treat known as Poutine. Mmmm… fries with cheese curds and gravy… can you feel your arteries hardening? That’s all I’ve got- this kaaskop is off to find some lekkerbekje, hagelslag, and drop. Net: Stop talking in furriner, you terrorist!

From AC Slater

So now that the “which school is better debate” has dwindled down, its time to attack whose at the real cause of this problem anyway. Net: The Flemish? The Walloons? It’s not the specific school or group of people in that school, it’s the NUTTin idiots who wear any color polo shirt and pop their damn collars up. I know A Flock of Seagulls did this back in the 80’s, but are you idiots really tryin to look like them. Net: Are they ever! Where the hell did you idiots get the idea to wear your shirts like that. And another thing that screams look at me I’m an idiot are those kids who for some odd reason think they have to wear an armband to class. I know andy roddick or andre agassi might just be there lookin to play you and your buddy in a game of doubles, but anytime you aren’t planning on sweating don’t wear those stupid things. Net: Unless you support the Moratorium. One more stylish look that is out of control are those trucker hats, I mean if only all of us could be like ashton kutcher we’d be awesome. Just remember your grandpa has that same hat and it was 10 cents, but trust me yours is worth the 25 dollars, cause you look damn sharp. go live the dream losers. And in the words of joey Gladstone “cut it out” you NUTTin idiots. Net: Did you know that Von Dutch guy was a paranoid racist? It’s true. Look it up online at the LA Weekly Web site.