Net: You didn’t se…

Net: You didn’t see us, but we were there on Friday, stuffing our faces with BW-3 wings. Um, um, good.
That’s all we’re going to say about BW-3 for a long, long time — except for today, of course, when it’s part of our obligatory running joke.
We have much neglected business at hand today. People have reached for us, and we must help them. That’s why, as public clamor demands it, we offer you a whole heap of …
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS!!!From The Helping Friend: Oh wise and wonderful Network, I, or actually a friend of mine, need a little help. Net: Sure you do. So how can we help this alleged “friend?” On Wednesday night, my friend’s motorcycle was stolen.
It was parked on Oak Street. It was a red, black and white Honda. Net: Well, that rules out Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper as possible suspects. Call off the search, U Police. If anyone out there in Network land has any information on this, please pass it our way. Thanks!!! Net: No problem. We’re sure our keen network (pun intended) of investigators can help you out in a jiff. Impressed yet? Check this out:

From Jodi: Dearest Network, I am cursed. Net: Welcome to the club. We’ve been together in this room for more than a year now, and we’re only let out for buffalo wings on Friday. What lives we lead … Somewhere between the Rec Center and the St. Paul campus are a dear, scared, little set of lost keys. They have been missing since Tuesday morning. There were about 10 keys on a ring, with no key chain. One key is a funny-looking black magnetic key, which is my much needed key to work. Net: Our key to work involved Jim Beam and lots of weed. Sorry — we don’t want your job.
If anyone has any information which would help these little keys find their home, I would be much obliged.
Please get in contact with NETWORK and we can figure something out. Thank you times infinity.

From Erin Go Bragh: I have a public service announcement. Net: Yeah, yeah, yeah — we all know by now the referendum passed with 71 percent of the vote. Michael Collins, Eamon de Valera and Bobby Sands are rolling in their graves. Big deal. We missed the premiere of “Godzilla” because we passed out from the Jim Beam, weed and wings on Friday (Notice how our tale is growing — don’t you wish you were us?) I found a set of five keys today (Tuesday) in Ferguson Hall in the women’s restroom near room 100. Net: Hmmm … we wonder. Is someone bluffing here? Are these key losses part of an unexpected rash of forgetfulness? Has anyone noticed the squirrels acting odd lately? WHERE’S OUR JIM BEAM!!!?!!! They just have a plain key ring, no Barbie parts, etc. One key is for a Mitsubishi and there are two U of M keys (Is it wise to print these details?). Would the owner like them back? Net: We can assume so. Well kids, that concludes the lost and found portion of today’s PSA-dominated Network. We now move on to …
From Run-Time Error: Oh illustrious Network, purveyor of justice and good taste Net: We might have to steal your hubcaps for saying that. I’d like to alert U-land that the denizens of the Bio-med library are being careless with their e-mail accounts.
I’ve cracked several accounts already. You see, folks are leaving their mail preferences on Netscape mail, and it’s the easiest thing in the world to read all their mail and even reply to their letters, and believe you me, y’all don’t want me replying from YOUR e-mail account. Net: Ah, but maybe we do. You see, everyone works for Keyser Soze, but no one ever knows … Alert the public, flog and castrate their system administrators, and most importantly, live long and prosper. Net: Hey — that’s what we’re all about. It’s kind of like when we’re out at BW-3, eating buffalo wings, smokin’ weed, drinkin’ Jim Beam and checkin’ out the cute Irish folks at the end of the bar. And now, for our final word — an opportunity, pointed out to you by us truly.

From Fresh As A Summer’s Eve: Everywhere I look, especially near crosswalks, campus elevators and women’s bathrooms all over campus, I see the same obnoxious flyer seeking participants for a medical study. And it seems a tad suspicious to me. The study seeks females with an active case of “BV” (Bacterial Vaginitis) Net: So there we were, eating wings, smokin’ weed, checkin’ out the Irish and drinkin’ Jim Beam while talking about our Bacterial Vaginitis and the humorous thing is, among the qualifying factors you must have an itchy, unpleasant-smelling, malodorous discharge coming from the sugar walls (I miss you Sheena E!), Net: Exactly! You’ve been eavesdropping. You aren’t Irish, are you? but the catch is, they disqualify anyone with any other coexistent infection.
Huh? Isn’t BACTERIA behind most infections Net: We always thought Magic Johnson was (hushed silent for insensitive humor), or at least a hell of a lot of them? If I am to understand this correctly, they’re asking women to call and volunteer the info that they have a malodorous flow of discharge coming out of their favorite orifice, and that they are 100 percent sure it’s just BV. Not the clap, not an unrelenting rash, not a yeast invasion, but specifically BV.
That would beg the question as to what they do with the other itchy, foul-smelling folks who walk through the door with the wrong type of bug invasion. Net: They send them to BW-3. And they eat wings. And they smoke weed. And drink Jim Beam. And they celebrate a stronger Irish nation. And they aren’t afraid to talk about their bugs, because they read us, dammit, and WE’RE WHAT MAKES THIS CAMPUS WORTH SURVIVING!!!!
Thank you. That was OUR public service announcement. Have a nice day.