Net: Lazy bastards, every one o’ ya.
Surely there was much debauchery to be witnessed over break, but so little of it was relayed to our jaded eyes via the Tandy monitor attached to our ever-failing Commodore 64.
For what it’s worth — which, we admit, ain’t much — we hit the slopes. That’s right — leave it to Net to go where it is not warm but rather cold. And snowing. And blowing.
Yes, but the money, too, was a-flowing, and Net got itself a Sugar Person. That’s right, we went prospectin’ and struck ‘er rich. Sure, we lost most of our self-respect in the process … but at least we are fully outfitted in North Face.
At any rate, we still welcome your ribald tales of wanton lust and licentiousness. And maybe someone could recommend a wine that goes well with surf-n-turf?
BREAKIN’ THELAW
From PeeWee: It occurred shortly after I had fulfilled my lifelong dream of dropping acid atop Devil’s Tower in Wyoming. Net: A whole new definition of “getting high.” What’s next, the Gateway? My good friends ChuckleNuts and the PornStar and I decided to take in a quick bite to eat at a small restaurant in Custer, S. D. Our Spring Break Trek 2000 across the heartland of America’s national parks and monuments was in full swing. Net: And we’re sure they were glad to have you. So few patriots would look at Old Faithful and think “bidet.” We decided to grab some food at a local bar and drink enough to take the edge off the caffeine and speed. Net: We’ve always found the best remedy for a hangover is a naked picture of Bea Arthur. Seeing as it was a Sunday, the place was dead, save for the barkeep, a comely lass of 45, and some mullet-wearin’ yokel who yammered on endlessly about his ex-wife who apparently went by the unfortunate name “Bitch.” Net: Just so long as she wasn’t named “Heifer.” Then there might be a problem … The three of us ignored the Harley tire marks on the floor tile and the brown smears adorning our glasses, and proceeded to get drunk like Irishmen after church. Net: Sounds like a typical Sunday afternoon on Frat Row, save the whole “church” thing. You must’ve felt right at home. Being the generous tippers we are, and also by virtue of the fact that any one of us had more teeth in the upper left half of his jaw than the entire town combined, the barkeep took kindly to us and bestowed many a free round upon us. Net: Some people have pick-up lines. Some people (shame on them) slip Mickeys. And some people buy drinks. It’s all about greasing the gears. We got merrily stoned of the booze and caps of shrooms we smuggled in under the stern gaze of a state highway patrolman the previous day. Little did we notice, after a couple of hours or so, the bartender and Bitch’s ex-husband had sojourned to the men’s room for a quick hump or two. Net: Here’s hoping she paid attention to the “Employees must wash hands before returning to work” sign. Not wanting to stay around and get a glimpse of something we didn’t wanna see, we stumbled outside, grabbed some beers and Yukon Jack from the car and wandered the streets of Custer, vainly searching for a police officer to arrest us in the hopes of getting a ride back to the motel, or at least a warm jail cell. Net: What do you have to do to get arrested in Custer, S.D.? Yell “Crazy Horse kicks ass!!” from the rooftops? However, the sheriff was only on duty from 8 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. during the day (’cause emergencies only occur then), so we had to spend the night asleep on a battered playground, having long since forgotten where the car or motel room were. Net: Perhaps you should have tracked down Bitch. She probably had some extra room. Ahhh, the memories.
52% PISSEDOFF
From 48%Bitch: Imagine, if you will, it’s the first day of classes of spring semester. Net: NOOOOOO!! AAAAAAHHHH!!! TAKE IT BACK!!! IN THE NAME OF YUDOF, TAKE IT BACK!!! It’s around 9 p.m., and I’m strolling home from my first complete-waste-of-time night class of the semester. As I walk toward Pleasant Street, I go between Kolthoff and Smith and notice that parked behind Smith is a car running with its lights off. Net: Let us guess … Matt Bullard was making out with a chimp? As I get closer, I can see that it is a City of Minneapolis vehicle, and inside is a parking enforcement officer, grinning from ear to ear as she counts the tickets she’s just handed out. Net: Evil comes in many forms, especially the “uni” kind. As I reach Pleasant, I can see every single car parked at the meters has a ticket. The parking bitch felt so proud of her accomplishment she had to go hide (in a no-parking zone, I might add) in the drop-off area behind Smith. What the hell? Net: Some people use pornography. Some people (shame on them) stalk others. Some people write tickets. It’s all about gettin’ your groove on. And on the subject of parking, if you park on the street in southeast Minneapolis, stop trying to win the “Dumb Bitch Parking Job of the Day” award. You can’t win every day! Net: Is that what they said when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? We think not … Here are a few simple guidelines that should help you avoid the award in the future:
1) If you are the first or last car in a section where parking is permitted, pull ALL THE WAY up if you’re at the front and ALL THE WAY back if you’re at the back. Net: Unless you have a Lexus or Jaguar or some other compensation car. In that case, park at an angle so we can more easily rip off your bumper. This allows maximum maneuvering room for cars to park in between you. 2) Park near the curb — 3 to 4 feet away doesn’t cut it. 3) Turning on your flashers is NOT a get-out-of-jail-free card and does NOT give you the right to do whatever you want with your car. Net: Unless you’re boinking a barkeep from Custer, S.D., in the backseat, and you wouldn’t want to do that, now would you? 4) Your car should be parallel to the curb at all times — perpendicular or diagonal parking is not for on-street parking!! Net: Who died and made you Lovely Rita Meter Maid? And to the dumb bitch who always double parks in front of my building while she “runs inside quick” to shower, eat, take a nap and do whatever else it is she does for the 45 minutes at a time she double parks there — f&@k you!! Net: Umm … have you ever considered taking up the unicycle?