Dear Chelsea Clinton,
We understand that you have recently been granted early admission to Harvard. We’d like to take a moment to invite you to consider a different option, a school nestled in America’s heartland — the University of Minnesota. Pay no attention to the bad publicity — the tenure debate, the squabble about faculty unionization, the Medical School scandals — the University has much to offer an exceptional student like you!
First and foremost, we’re cost-effective. Right now, your father needs to devote all the money he can to his legal defense. Tuition at the University is $16,000 less than those expensive East Coast schools, and if the Whitewater case should seriously deplete your family’s finances, you may qualify for work-study.
Harvard dorm rooms are plastered with pinups of the Gore girls — you’ll never get out of their shadows at Al’s alma mater. But Minnesota can offer you the perfect blend of adoration and discretion. Sure, we’ll notice that you’re here. But our “Minnesota Nice” behavioral code will prevent us from mentioning it. Besides, among the 39,999 other students at the University, it’s easy to get lost in the shuffle. After the relentless attention you get at the White House, wouldn’t that be a relief? But don’t worry, Chelsea — with your entourage of Secret Service agents, you’d have a head start on community building.
And, starting this year, the University has a special offer for students like you. If you meet the following requirements, we can guarantee you’ll graduate in four years — or the fifth year is free! Eligible students must take AP statistics in high school, select their college major from among half-a-dozen exciting options, forgo extracurricular activities and jobs, complete all necessary paperwork and obtain the signatures of their parents, roommates, pre-major and upper-division advisers and the assistant hockey coach.
In the past, the University was difficult to navigate. Now, we’re user-friendly. We offer online registration, grades by phone, a Coke machine every 30 yards and our ban on tank tops in the Rec Center has eliminated unsightly bulges. Now that Route 52 buses are being phased out, it’s the perfect time to consider living on campus! If you apply for on-campus housing early enough, we can (almost) assure you of a dorm room, or at least a study-lounge bunk. Our cafeterias are ranked ninth in the nation. For your culinary pleasure, you can even sample local cuisine in the form of a Spamwich (T.M.), manufactured from choice meatstuffs right here in Minnesota.
We know you love sports and we can assure you, Chelsea, that the Gophers rule. We have a second-ranked basketball team, and even our football team is better than Harvard’s. If you like, you’re virtually guaranteed a place on the women’s basketball team starting lineup.
The University’s class of 2001 needs you, Chelsea. Frankly, we need a bit of positive publicity right now. We haven’t had a celebrity student since “90210’s” Brenda, and she didn’t last long. But you have so much more to offer. So before you finalize your college plans, think about all the wonderful things that await you here in the Land of 10,000 Lakes. Ski-U-Mah!