Martha Stewart, move over. University President Kent Kingston has arrived.
In a press conference unlike any other, Kingston announced an unprecedented new policy late Friday morning. The proposal requires all College of Liberal Arts students to log 10 hours planting flowers on campus in order to obtain a degree.
With a breakneck response uncommon for liberal arts undergraduates, nearly two-thirds of the college’s more than 14,000 students publicly demonstrated their protests to the unconventional policy early Friday afternoon.
Descending on defenseless administrators in Morrill Hall, angry mobs of students with rakes, hoes, gardening gloves and clumps of dirt stormed through the halls, forcing the suit-clad movers and shakers of the school to fearfully retreat into their spacious and luxurious offices.
Slowly and deliberately pulling petals one by one off a number of flower species — including petunias, zinnias and out-of-season tulips — and then crushing them violently under the heels of his Dr. Martens, CLA senior Chris Albright made clear his stance on the new policy.
Peering out at the scene from his mud-covered office window — from which he was barricaded by surrounding student mobs — Kingston wiped away a single tear with his monogrammed University handkerchief.
“It breaks my heart,” Kingston said. “The poor little blossoms never had a chance.”
Despite the protests, Kingston persisted in bravely defending his peculiar policy.
When asked how he developed the policy idea, Kingston bashfully revealed his penchant for television gardening shows with “cute, blonde bundles of energy.”
“I got the idea from watching ‘Martha Stewart Living,'” Kingston said, opening his desk drawer to reveal a treasure trove of flower seedlings he had been hoarding for the unveiling of the new policy. “And when the flowers die, we can use the remains to create beautiful dried flower arrangements. They make ideal Christmas gifts.”
Wielding a fistfull of long-dead flowers, CLA junior Christina Junke shook her head in dismay at the prospect of fulfilling the remainder of her liberal arts requirements.
“Somehow, the math and science requirements I used to dread so much seem eerily appropriate,” Junke said.
Unable to be dissuaded from his goal, Kingston shared the remainder of his vision for the University.
“I’m thinking of inviting Martha — she likes to be called Martha — to campus to show her the impact she’s made on all of us,” Kingston said excitedly. “Maybe she’ll have some ideas about how we can make good use of the leftover cement from the destruction of the East River Road Ramp.”
Kingston will present his proposal to the regents in a special meeting early next week. He said he plans to present each regent with handmade corsages “just to get the ball rolling.”
“Ah,” Kingston sighed. “It will be a Beautiful U indeed.”