Photo Courtesy Rick Gershon/Getty Images Every year, thousands of college students go on spring break and wind up having a wonderful time getting plastered, dancing riotously to the MTV song of the week and contracting Chlamydia from a bronzed, bikini-clad stranger. This is the epitome of the American Dream. Unfortunately, due to these hard economic times, some students will find themselves unable to go to an exotic locale for this coming spring break. And while itâÄôs disappointing that the stay-at-homers will be incapable of drinking massive quantities of blindingly strong alcohol in a city where palm trees outnumber humans, it will likely be the boisterous mocking by their travel-weary âÄúamigosâÄù that will be the most irksome part of missing spring break. But for all of our similarly impoverished readers, A&E has the solution. With just a few simple steps you can fake going on spring break and avoid the derision of all of your jetlagged, alcohol-poisoned friends. Step one: Get a tan. This may seem like an obvious point, but it is crucial that you do this right. Make sure that you do not buy any spray-on tanning product; otherwise people are going to think you went to a Cheetos factory instead of Cancun. ItâÄôs essential that you go to an actual tanning salon. Ask the manager if he or she can turn up the heat on your bed a little bit higher, that way you can get that âÄúcrispy, well-done chickenâÄù look that the kids love so much these days. Remember, if your skin isnâÄôt peeling and youâÄôre not in horrific pain, nobody is going to believe you went to a sunny fun zone. Also, try wearing oversized sunglasses and a swimsuit in the bed; nothing says spring break like weird tan lines. Step two: Braid your hair. Every year, countless people, guy or girl, young or old, gay or straight, come back from spring break sporting the hairdo that says, âÄúLook at me, I just wasted 20 bucks.âÄù DonâÄôt go to a hair salon, because that is going to run you, astoundingly, a couple hundred dollars. Just drive over to your momâÄôs house and she, or your kid sister, will be sure to help you out. Make sure to swing by Michaels to get some gaudy, multi-colored beads to put your hair through; these are essential for the break-faker. Step three: Make an accessory. It seems that the only things people love more than neon hair beads are cheap accessories. You can easily go the Jack Johnson route by picking up some puka shell necklaces or a hemp bracelet at your local surf-inspired clothing store. Another choice is the hipster route; go to one of the many bead stores in Uptown and someone conflictingly dressed in a Human Rights Campaign t-shirt and Nike high-tops will help you find the perfect materials for a vaguely ethnic anklet. Step four: Photoshop yourself into pictures. Try to be subtle with this technique; only superimpose yourself into pictures with large groups of people raising their cups in celebration; itâÄôs a pose spring-breakers love to strike. It will be a lot easier to see your shoddy workmanship if you alter a picture to make it look like youâÄôre doing a body shot off of a shirtless 20-something. However, if youâÄôre daring enough to go in this direction, you might as well go big. Superimpose yourself necking with Halle Berry or maybe playing beach volleyball with Heidi Klum . ItâÄôs plausible; celebrities have to go on spring break too, right? Step five: Contract MontezumaâÄôs Revenge. ItâÄôs not pleasant, but a sure-fire way to convince people that you went on spring break is to catch some kind of pathogen. While youâÄôre probably going to be in some amount of physical pain, nobody is going to question your story when they hear the sounds of explosive diarrhea echoing from the bathroom. ItâÄôs that simple. So thatâÄôs the skinny on faking spring break. Following these easy steps is a guaranteed way to make all your friends think you had the best trip ever. Now theyâÄôll never know that you spent your entire break fighting back tears in the shadowy recesses of your room. EDITORâÄôS NOTE: For more cues, watch Tim & EricâÄôs âÄúRazâÄôs Best Vacation EverâÄù video.