Professor Poor Schmoe left his barn door open. Wide open.
Schmoe, an associate professor of North Iowan Studies, taught a lecture with his fly unzipped Tuesday.
“This sort of behavior is not impermissible,” said Bill Dog, chairman of the department.
The gaping fly appalled the 180 students in the class, while the oblivious Schmoe lectured about zip codes. Students said Schmoe’s tucked in shirt-tail protruded several inches from his open zipper.
Joe Mama, an undecided professional student, said the unzipped fly annoyed him. By the end of the hour, he said he felt he had to take action. With five minutes left in the class, Mama stood and hollered, “X-Y-Z-P-D-Q!”
“By God, he was wearing Incredible Hulk Underoos,” Mama said. “I did what any red-blooded man would do,” he added smugly.
According to the police report, Mama’s comment caused Schmoe to burst into tears. Schmoe said he was wearing that particular pair of underpants because they give him confidence.
“It’s Tuesday. I always wear Crebba Hulk’ on Tuesday,” blubbered the visibly shaken Schmoe.
Schmoe is up for tenure review this year, and the fiasco has cast doubt on his future in the department. A survey by the Foundation for Using Buttons Almost Regularly, or FUBAR, indicated that the odds of termination after teaching a class with your fly down are pretty grim.
“Tenure? Hah!” exclaimed Kal League, a colleague of Schmoe’s and chairman of the tenure review committee. “By the way, keep this off the record.”
Schmoe will desperately need employment in the coming years now that three students have filed suit against him. The students claim the yawning zipper traumatized them. A zipper consists of two parallel tracks of teeth or coils that can be interlocked or separated.
Soua Lor, a junior in pre-pharmacy, is suing Schmoe for damages from post traumatic stress syndrome.
“The memories keep coming back,” he said. “I’m hoping for a couple of thousand.”
Eric Bernal, an undecided freshman, said he felt sympathetic to Schmoe’s plight.
“I’m in PSO, and we’re gonna protest to let him stay,” Bernal said enthusiastically. “We’ll take Playboy pictures and put the big cheese’s face on them and throw them at (Lor). That’d be funny.”
William Babcock, a journalism professor, said the students have it all wrong.
Alleged zipper danger or exposure is not the pivotal issue, he said. The real media ethics concern is whether The Minnesota Daily will doctor the photo of Schmoe’s fly, he said.