Net: In honor of Fr…

Net: In honor of Friday, the day that it currently is, we have decided to have COMPLETELY RANDOM AND NONSENSICAL COMMENT DAY. For this, we shall make only completely random comments. It’s fun! HOORAY! Oh yeah, since we suck, let’s have a haiku day on Tuesday. Send in haiku, for that is all we shall print on Tuesday.

From BandGroupie420: What a big fat derp you are, Net! Why rip on Net: Don’t let the panthers know! those who uphold virtually every school tradition ever formed? I, myself, am not a bando …but I am of very close association with them. Aaah, bandos. Good people Net: The coffee is cold and you are a lousy butler they are. Better than the sally-ass frat boys, though not as good at throwing a football across University Ave while singing along to Puff Daddy. Better than the flake-ass so”whore”ity sisters, though not as good at banging frat boys by the houseload. Better than the Net: Pants should never be on the table sweaty-ass athletes, though not as good at adding their names to Gangelhoff-esque papers. And surely they are better than the derp-ass Network fucks, though Net: Fish really know what they are doing obviously not as good at downplaying school spirit while smelling a freshly sat-on thumb. I hate you, Network.

From Mephistofalafeles: Smellsign. I’m aware that my erudite style pleases you not; this does not dissuade me from writing. Not so Net: Gangrene is not a subject for laughter long ago there was a clever and entertaining column in the back of this paper. It was called Network, just like you, but unlike you it was, as I’ve noted, clever & entertaining. Apparently the Powers Net: Heineken? NUT that foreign NUT! Pabst Blue Ribbon! have discontinued that column in favor of this relentlessly unfunny Network Version 2.0. Day after dreary day I pick up the Daily, lacking as I do the financial freedom to purchase a real newspaper, and of course it is full Net: FISH HAVE EARS AND ARE LISTENING RIGHT NOW of frivolous lies, so I wearily turn my attention to Backtalk, thinking, “Yes, there I will find some mental sustenance, a well-phrased insult at the very least.” But what do I find? Hockey hockey Net: Just give us your FRICKEN sandwich hockey, poop poop poop, you suck he sucks she sucks, “I’m a bored lonely loser with no interests or opinions and I’d just like to say whatever everybody else has already said about some dumb topic of no relevance to anyone….” Net: Did you hear something? I want the old Net back! May you, new Net, travel on a train with 100,000 cars & get sick in each one. May your Net: She’ll lie in my bed for nothin’ skin turn orange and may your daughter be a Gwar groupie. Smellsign.

From SlappyMcFattySlapSlapSlap: Hi. Hi-hi. Multi-hi… this rant has been building up momentum for Net: The random number is six. DO NOT DOUBT US! some time. It’s a subject near and dear to all you Network-reading cads out there: construction. I couldn’t restrain myself anymore when I saw a photo of YUDOF-vader “breaking ground” for the new art building. Have you Net: GET THESE SPIDERS OFF OF US! noticed that our tuition goes up every year? Certainly you must! And our dearest Daily told us recently that our tuition is already quite high for a state University. Yudof-vader… go ahead, invest into the future of the U. Build some new structures. Yippee!! HOORAY! It’s necessary, maybe even beneficial. But must you bankrupt all of us in this construction sickness? I can’t even pass through the East Bank without tripping over a crane, or hopping 7 different snow fences. Net: Sometimes we think we are Ali Baba Could you learn a li’l moderation? Did it ever occur to you that Ventura has slashed our budget considerably? Did it ever occur to you Net: Nerf this, bitch that there’s a reason for this? This place is corrupt like a Sicilian gangster, and Ventura knows it. I wouldn’t give you any NUTTING money either. You’re going to break all of us. Stop Net: Don’t give me a jerk-off handjob! the madness! We have enough new building around here for a generation or more, you NUTTING lunatic.

From Atreehugger: Hello to Net, I am a long time reader, first time writer. In response to the entry by UndercoverChcomtc on Thursday, why is it that environmentalists are subject to the derogatory term, tree Net: Greetings, my friends. We are all interested in the future, for that is where we are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember, my friends, future events such as these will affect you in the future hugger. It seems to me that trees serve a fairly important function (i.e. giving us oxygen to breathe.) In any case, Net: It’s so stimulating being your hat this isn’t a very fair insult to Ralph Nader, since Al Gore also claims to be an environmentalist. And as for the remark about not voting for Nader because it will get Bush elected (which I agree Net: Take a can of your gasoline. Say this can of gasoline is the sun. Now, you spread a thin line of it to a ball, representing the Earth would be a terrible, terrible turn of events),that is the whole reason why Nader has no chance of being elected. Every Gore supporter I have talked to about Ralph Nader says that they would be likely to vote for Nader but that Net: The kids really love this Internet thing! they are afraid it will get Bush elected. Now I ask, if all these people would just go out and vote for the person they really, truly want to be President, why is there no chance that Nader can win the election? Thank you, Net, for the space in which you have printed my ramblings.

From Abbey Someone: Kudos to the Daily for killing off the Net: I watched four episodes of “Lassie” before I figured out why the little hairy kid never spoke red headed step child that was the A&E section. Upon reading the joyous news in Thursday’s Daily, I took my copy of the last A&E issue to the third floor Northrop bathroom and wiped my ass with it. Who the hell read this thing. All it did was give reviews for movies no one would ever see and CDs no one Net: For one dollar I’ll guess your weight, your height, or your sex! would ever listen to. For crying out loud, Dr. Date was too good for their sorry ass. In short A&E, you sucked hard and I’m glad you’re gone. Now, what to do with the extra space in the Daily? The obvious answer to this question is more Network. Net: Screws just fall out all the time; the world is an imperfect place. I propose a six page edition of Net every Thursday. The ad revenue this would generate would rival that of the Superbowl, or at least that of the re-runs of Gimme a Break that channel 23 airs at two in the morning. If that pinko commie rag, the Daily, has any class at all, they will run with this idea.