Net: It’s been a great year, and we only wish we could spell “GOODBYE” to you as your chopper lifts off to wherever you may go. But we only have what we always have — blood, sweat, toil and tears. And pizza. Lots of pizza.

From Screech, the PAST President of the Pizza Club for Studs: Well, Network editors, I must say it’s been an interesting 5 years battling wits with you. Net: Likewise.
This is to let you know that the torch has been passed on. As I am the last PCS charter member to attend the University full-time, the organization is going through much change. First, there is a new president — he doesn’t have a good moniker, but we’ll call him The Tuba Guy. Net: Is he literate? Is he willing to be the object of our scorn? We’d LOVE to hear from him. Secondly, because so many members are finishing their degree programs (scary thought), Net: We thought that opposed your constitution it appears we will not have a sufficient student base to continue as an “official” student organization.
Of course, the latter could be avoided with more student participation.
We’ve tried our share of recruiting up to this point and have come up fairly empty. But if any Network reader ever feels the need to eat pizza at lunch on Friday during the school year while simultaneously discussing sports, politics, music or the soap opera formerly known as professional wrestling, we’ll still be at Pizza Hut from 11:00 to 12:30, cleaning out the buffet. Net: And you write us in the fall, Tuba Guy; we’ll help you with recruitment in any way we can. We’re no good at goodbyes. And we’re still having our Finals Feast on Tuesday, June 10, from 11:00 to 12:30 over at Rocky Rococo’s Net: WHAT!?!?! You’re breaking with tradition NOW?!?! Oh well, maybe you’ve just come to your senses at a late date when they have their $1.25-a-slice day.
Thanks, Network. It’s been surreal. Net: The Pizza Club for Studs is dead. But … LONG LIVE THE PIZZA CLUB FOR STUDS!

From The Randomizer: Listen, everyone. I have to make an “end of the year confession.” This goes out to those who read their e-mail accounts. Net: Hmmm … that narrows it. Have you ever gotten an e-mail that you don’t know where it came from or who wrote it? Net: Yes. It happens to all of our readers every day. It’s called Network. That was most likely from me. I randomly pick names from the online directory and just write them an e-mail saying “hi.” Out of all the people I chose from the directory, I am about to meet one of them. Net: Either you’re tremendously charming, or you’re both tremendously lonely. Either way, congratulations, and be sure to bring some Mace.
As an interesting hobby, go to the online directory, type any name, and see what the search produces! Fate will have its way. Net: Yes, it will. And time will produce its magic. We are running out of time and space, but we can’t let you go for the summer without our last …


From Helpful Harry: To the person who lost the CD case in Ford Hall: My professor announced it is in the anthropology office on the second floor of Ford 255, I think. On another note, I had my first experience with the Mall preacher today. Kudos to the guy in rollerblades. Is it possible that these people are for real? I may have to watch on Friday to find out.
Thanks, Network. You’re the best thing at the U! Net: And thank you for writing that announcement. People like yourself, who take time to help, make our experience at this place a little better, too.

From The Alcohol Guy: As the end of the quarter draws near and most of you will go home for the summer, it’s important to remember that responsible alcohol use is a year-round activity. Net: So is church-going. That doesn’t mean it’s common among college students. Because the University wants all of you to have a safe and enjoyable summer, those of you who choose to drink should keep the following in mind:
* Most students (65 percent) drink three or fewer drinks in an average week, meaning they drink responsibly.
* If you are going to drink, be sure to eat before drinking and during (peanuts, popcorn and potato chips do not count as food) since food slows down the absorption of alcohol, which is to your benefit.
The body can only process about one drink per hour — therefore shots, beer bongs, shotgunning, and drinking games make you consume more than your body can safely handle, resulting in alcohol poisoning and, in some cases, death.
* Each drink contains about 150-200 calories.
* Most sexual assaults occur when either the perpetrator or the victim (sometimes both) are intoxicated.
* Most college students with STDs obtained them from having sex while intoxicated.
* While .10 is the limit for driving while intoxicated in Minnesota, impairment can begin as low as .03 (two beers, for many people).
* Anyone under the age of 21 caught driving with any detectable amount of alcohol in their system is at risk for losing their license for at least six months.
Have a great summer and see you in the fall! Net: In one piece, we hope. Remember — in these last few days of school, and throughout the long, hot summer, it’s important to keep cool RESPONSIBLY. We know many of you are planning on leaving. Let’s hope that all of you who plan to be back ARE back. We want you around.