Yudof, regents attempt pilfering pockets of drunk students

by Mrs. Buttersworth

University President Mark Yudof and the Board of Regents held a bachelor auction and keg party Saturday at Eastcliff in an attempt to raise money to purchase the fraternity houses on University Avenue.

All money made will allow the University to turn the houses into pay-by-the-hour hotels to make additional cash.

University officials said the original plan was to purchase the land to regulate housing and health code concerns, but converting the buildings into hotels would benefit the whole student population.

“The way I figure it, the hotels will be overflowing with students and even faculty,” said Dick Fitz, University chief financial adviser. “Faculty and staff need it just as much as students.”

Dressed in an Armani suit complete with tails and a top hat, Yudof took the catwalk in full style, holding a Dixie cup filled with Old Style beer.

“The bachelor auction gives students the opportunity to see me in action,” Yudof said. “I think I look pretty damn good.”

The 12-member board held the party with a full cash bar and randomly placed kegs throughout the house, charging $10 per cup. A cover charge of $20 helped to pay for the booze and Easy-cheese hors’dourves.

Nearly 500 students, staff and faculty came to witness the event. The auction raised over $500,000, with Yudof racking in the most money.

He was sold for $250,000 to an unnamed Minnesota Daily reporter, who professed her love to him during a keg stand.

“I just, golly, just love that bald head of his,” the reporter said. “He’s got that sweet, sexy charm. The money and power doesn’t hurt either.”

The reporter said she is willing to make him pancakes in bed – Yudof’s favorite food.

Regent “Pinky” McNamara, wearing nothing but a lampshade on his head, strutted his stuff but only managed to bring in $100. The former Gophers football star said he was disappointed that he didn’t make more.

“Come on. I’m still ripped,” McNamara said. “I think I’m a lot better looking than Mark (Yudof).”

Joe Blow, CLA sophomore, said he went to the party to “pick up chicks” but was so stunned by the “nakedness” of some of the regents that he left early.

“I was hoping there would be more hot chicks here,” Blow said. “But it’s just a bunch of old folks getting drunk and stripping.”

The Daily reporter disagreed, saying it was the best party she has been to.

When asked what she will do with Yudof on their date, she said, “That’s my little secret, but I will tell you some good ol’ maple syrup will be involved.”

Mrs. Butterworths only dates “short stacks”