ONE TOKE OVER THE (BLUE) LINE, SWEET JESUS
From Denver Tim: My dearest Network, I was reading with great interest the messages on graffiti as it brings to mind a paper I wrote for the Comp 1001 class back in fall of 1992. For that paper, I went around to bathrooms in a whole bunch of buildings on campus. I went from the engineering and physics buildings to Kolthoff and Morrill Hall. Net: Did you get marked off for sentences fragments? I crossed the river to get a view of the bathrooms of the music students and Carlson School of Management attendees. My research found that the physics building had the most graffiti (probably since the stalls were covered with paper just for that use), Net: And because those physicists are a surly bunch and the further west I went, the less interesting the graffiti was. I found Pink Floyd lyrics and knock-knock jokes. But by far, the funniest thing I found was this:
Someone wrote, “Jesus Saves“
Below it in different pen was, “Moses takes the puck, he shoots, he
SCORES!!!”
I might have gotten some strange looks when I walked out of the stalls, pen and paper in hand, but it was one of my more interesting days on campus. Keep up the great work; readers across the country like me are counting on it.
HE SCORES, TOO
From Funkapimpalicious: Dear Network, allow me to share the secret of eternal scoring. Net: Pull the goalie? I used to be a loser and never made it with the ladies, Net: Easy there, Mr. Loc but then I joined a band, and ever since I’ve been on pace to break Wilt Chamberlain’s record of 10,000 scores. I’ve even scored on RollerDiva, and we smoked from her stash as well. Like RollerDiva herself said, “I just love band guys,” and there’s a ton more groupies just like her who even offer you their own stash … here’s how it went down.
Me: Yo, RD, you got any kind bud?
RD: Oh yes, you can smoke all you want from my personal stash. Is there anything else you would like me to do, give or perform?
Me: You’re DAMN RIGHT…
Yeah, so take it from me: Join a band … score.
ALL THAT AND A BAG OF CHIMPS
To Monkey Lover from Feelin’ Fabulous: Are you crazy, man? Don’t you realize what would happen if we started treating monkeys as equals? Someone might come to the realization that half of the student body at this University could be replaced by the chimps, and nobody would be the wiser. Net: Consequently, all the chimps at the University would be replaced by students — then we could get some REAL research done, yes? Then, after chimp graduation day comes and goes, we would be competing with the little fur balls for jobs. Picture this: You’re sitting down in your cramped little cubicle, which is bad enough, when suddenly you hear this horrible, spastic screeching. Net: And then you realize that it’s you? You stand up only to find that Cheetah, the new chimp in accounting, is throwing a fit because he forgot his brown-bag lunch of bananas and monkey chow at home. Is this what you really want for your children or your children’s children? I think not. Let’s reconsider this, shall we? Oh yeah, to Grimace,
BOWM-CHICKA BOWM-BOWWMM …
I’ve seen “Hail to the Chimp,” and I’m not sure, but I think it was a remake of some Steven Seagal flick.
From PornChica: To the third floor of Middlebrook — How do you do it? Net: Lights out, missionary. From your Net entries (and the floor you live on), I can see you are obviously NOT the brightest, coolest, best-looking bunch. Yet amazingly, around campus I hear people talking about the people on the third floor! Net: Are you sure they weren’t talking about that party where a third of the people were on the floor? And they aren’t saying the usual things said about Middlebrook residents, but rather that you’re cool?!? What?!? Then I figured that the people saying these hideous lies were the OTHER people from Middlebrook — the ones that the usual comments are directed at. Can anyone tell me if this is true? I’d really like to be able to watch PORN without this grotesque picture in the back of my head of third floor Middlebrook passing off as cool. What is this world coming to? Thanks bundles, oh, divine Net.
BE NICER
From The Snake Man: I have noticed a little problem with most of the students, faculty and staff here at the University. People are rude. I am from Hastings, MN, (yes, Mrs. Feil was a teacher of mine — “she is a really good one-on-one teacher”) where “Minnesota Nice” is lived true to the word. Net: The myth … the legend? Here at the University I have not seen many examples of true Minnesota Niceness. To be truly Minnesota Nice means smiling back at someone when they smile at you instead of looking away. If someone does make eye contact with you, don’t quickly look away! Net: But they’re HIDEOUS! Look people in the eyes when you talk to them! I would go on, but that wouldn’t be very nice. Yes, Hastings is a little conservative, but life is so much nicer when perfect strangers can smile at one another. I think at a public university where people are encouraged to express their opinions it should be easier to express happiness to others.
ENGELPUCK KIRBYDINCK
From The Bushpilot: Can’t seem to shake this tune from my brain:
We’re gonna win Twins, We’re gonna score
We’re gonna win Twins, Watch that baseball soar
Knock out a home run, shout a hip hooray
Cheer for the Minnesota Twins today
It’s a prediction. You heard it (MTV News music) first. Net: Yeah — uh-huh — we’ll hold you to that one, Bush. Sheesh.
