by Michael Dougherty

Post-game college football celebrations took on a new look after the Gophers’ 49-7 romp over Iowa on Nov. 21.
We’ve all seen the throngs of face-painted freshmen tearing down the goalposts, or the weighty Wisconsin student section causing the bleachers to collapse when trying to rush the field.
But when the Gophers knocked off Iowa to win the prestigious Floyd of Rosedale trophy, the Minnesota student section earmarked its spot in history when they rushed the field, attacked the Gophers football team and nabbed poor Floyd for some outlandish reason.
According to campus police detective Andy Sipowicz, most of the attacking assailants were from a number of University fraternities and sororities, who were attempting to pilfer the pig.
The group of greeks, who were worked into a frenzy thanks to the positively nutty antics of the cymbal section of the University band, reportedly called the robbery “Operation Steal the Squeal.”
However, according to Sipowicz, the heist was all a big misunderstanding on the part of the assailants.
“The perps probably figured with this Floyd of Rosedale-type trophy, they could get some kinda discount at the Abercrombie & Fitch store at Rosedale mall on account of the pig being named after the mall and all,” Sipowicz said. “It doesn’t make any sense, just like when my partner had to die during the investigation and be replaced by that kid from “Silver Spoons” who doesn’t like his real first name, which we all know is Ricky.”
Sipowicz’s former partner Bobby Simone died during the investigation from complications that developed after he was forced to do a beer bong upon entering one of the fraternities.
The sudden rush of alcohol to Simone’s head brought on an illness which put him near death for a number of weeks, and affected his memory. At one point Simone even thought he used to be on a television show with the multi-talented Corbin Bernsen.
But now Simone is dead, and Sipowicz said he is back on the case and dedicated to finding every single rat-bastard Floyd offender. He said he hopes to close the case before another of his partners has to leave the show.
Rob D. Youngsters, a spokesman for Young People Lack Individuality and Should Be Cloned, the parent company of A & F, said the attacking students could have just looked in their mailboxes for the store’s mailer, which includes clothing loan applications and offers minimal discounts for students whose parents support them financially.
A spokesman for the Gophers football team, who was speaking on grounds of anonymity because his daughter has a depleted sense of identity because he can’t afford to let her wear A & F, said the team is saddened by the terrible beating the Gophers took while trying to defend Floyd from the fashion-raged masses.
“Our offensive line was taking its turn at carrying Floyd around the field when the greeks all gave the players the Reggie White arm toss,” the spokesman said. “We’re thinking some of those sorority sisters could open up some big holes for our running backs.”
The police have found Floyd and returned him to the place he usually calls home — the Hawkeyes’ trophy case.