Would you pay $6 to see Bantha poop?

by By Aaron

Luke. Han. Leia. Darth. Yoda. “Star Wars” mania has struck the country again, this time with a million times more fervor than the last. People are lining up around the block for tickets for three movies they have probably seen 100 times before, only this time with a couple minutes of “new footage.”
Taco Bell has been profiting quite nicely from the venture, and thousands of normally intelligent people have been sticking game pieces to their heads in the hopes of winning a free order of nachos. I know. I won the nachos. But I stuck the game piece on my forehead in the privacy of my own home. I have a reputation to maintain, you know.
But after seeing the original “Star Wars” movie remake, I was kind of disappointed in the fact that not much had changed. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the original movie. But if I am going to shell out six dollars for a movie ticket, I want a whole lot of new stuff. Otherwise, I will just go home and watch the video on tape.
Maybe I’d feel better spending my money if George Lucas were to add some new twists to the movie. Here are some suggestions that I thought of:
Give James Earl Jones a lisp. That would make Darth Vader sound a little less scary for the kids in the theater and make the movie more of a comedy.
Imagine the fear invoked when Vader says, “Don’t underethtimate the power of the dark thide.” I feel like hiding under the covers just thinking about it.
Get Joe Pesci to play the Emperor. “Hey Luke! Are you talking to me? Why, you little snot-nosed punk, I oughta zap the living puke out of you.”
Turn R2-D2 into a roving jukebox, only stock it with really bad songs from the 70s. Wouldn’t the fight scene on Jabba’s barge be a whole lot better if it was played out to the tune of “Kung Fu Fighting?”
Get Oasis to perform in the Cantina at Mos Eisley. If you ask me, there just isn’t enough whining in the whole trilogy.
There certainly weren’t enough, if any, product placement shots. I think Luke’s landspeeder would have been cooler if it would have been made by Nissan. And I am sure Pepsi would have loved to have had its name on Luke’s glass of blue milk. Why not put a McDonald’s on the Death Star? I hear Stormtroopers love the Arch Deluxe. “Your order comes to $4.95. Please pull your starfighter up to the window. Would you like fries with that?”
Give Billy Dee Williams a large stock of Colt 45 to give to Luke and company when they arrive on Bespin. It goes down smooth, and laser fights are more interesting when everyone is schlitzed out of their minds.
Get O.J. Simpson to make a cameo at the end of “Return of the Jedi.” He can hack up Luke and Leia and get away with it when Johnny Cochran flies in on the Millennium Falcon just in the nick of time.
Have Chewbacca lose all his hair in a freak accident with a Flowbie. Nothing could be scarier than a naked Wookie, could there?
Ever notice how no one in “Star Wars” smokes? I think it would be cool if all the Jedi masters (Obi-Wan, Yoda, etc.) would light up a fat stogie and smoke it whenever they appear to Luke in a vision.
Have the Jawas remove their hoods to reveal that they are, in fact, The Village People.
Two words: Bantha poop.
Have Chewbacca accidentally put C-3P0 back together completely backwards and turn off his voice circuits. That droid annoys me more than most of MTV’s daytime programming.
Have an interesting scene where Han gets lost trying to find Alderaan. Leia is trying to read the map, but can’t get the thing to fold up correctly. Han refuses to pull over and get directions, and then threatens to pull the ship over anyway when Luke and Chewie get rambunctious in the backseat. Obi-Wan has to step in and use the force to get them going in the right direction.
Have my favorite character, Porkins, be the guy who blows up the Death Star in the original movie. Porkins was easily the coolest X-Wing pilot, and his weak death in the new movie is nothing short of infuriating.
There it is, my recipe for a great trilogy. Anyway, it’d be worth six bucks.

Aaron Bradshaw is a junior at Purdue University. His column originally ran in the March 7th issue of The Purdue Exponent.