From Your all-wise elder: Dearest Net and followers … So I was lying in the tub last night while listening to my mood music, Net: Cue above music in your heads as you continue through this essay. Makes it funnier. eating my frozen grapes, and conversing with my long time college bud who is now in graduate school in St. Louis. Maybe it was just the candles, or the fact that I am leaving the country in two weeks and won’t be back for a year. Net: Lousy rotten deportation … Whatever the reason, Brian and I started reminiscing about our college days at the U. Being recent graduates, the memories are still fresh in both our minds. So, I have this message to send all of you who are sitting at the union on the couches, Net: Sleeping or having a cup of coffee in Dinkytown, Net: Sleeping! or most likely sitting in class trying to hide the paper from your prof … Net: Or covering your eyes with it … because you’re SLEEPING! my message is …
As soon as you’re done and the reality has set in, you realize what a great place the U is and how everything you did that seemed stupid or insignificant Net: Sleeping at the time soon becomes a fond memory and something you wish you could go back to for just a day. Things are changing. People are getting married, having babies, leaving the country, Net: Sleeping less, starting school all over again or giving in to the comfort blanket and settling down for an entry level position at the bottom of the corporate ladder. Serious things are happening and nasty phrases like “benefits package” and “mutual funds” become a part of your everyday language. When people ask you what you do, you can no longer lift your head with pride and say “I’m a student.” Net: And I am sleeping now you say “I work for this insurance broker in the accounting department, I negotiate policy discrepancies,” and try to make it sound interesting. Basically, you become a boring office person unless you fight it like I am doing. (Everyone, look up and join me in saving the world …) Cherish your time, because as soon as you’re done and the new phase begins, you will be wishing you didn’t give the U such a hard time for the petty, bureaucratic details. Net: Or the uncomfortable couches. Ahh … onward.
From Zero-Grav: The Almighty and Illuminous Network, I’ve been thinking about this basketball scandal for a while now. Today, I took your advice Net: Wise and read the articles written by what’s-her-name for the players. My question is this — how the hell could they have passed those classes with papers like that?!? The grammar was poor and the papers were ridiculous. Net: Well … they had to be believable. If I ever stoop to the level of writing a paper on ‘The Bright Side of Gangsta Rap,’ please shoot me. If Clem was gonna hire someone to write papers, the least he could do was hire someone halfway intelligent. Clem should’ve hired Lewis to do the papers — he’s smart and a good ballplayer! That would’ve solved all our problems. Also, Lewis would never tell right before the NCAA tourney. What do you think of that? Net: Could he have counted them as assists?
From Shake&Bake: I have read some of the amusing poetry the Network readers have sent, so I will go against everything I believe in and submit some that we have found.

Men’s room wall:
“Don’t trust anything that bleeds for seven days and doesn’t die.”
Men’s room, Grandma’s Sports Garden, Duluth:
“Beauty is only a light switch away.”

Women’s restroom, Duluth School of Medicine:
“The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open.”

“No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her [email protected]##t.

“To do is to be” – Descartes
“To be is to do” – Voltaire
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra
From Blitzbunnie to Cart Avenger: OK Fart … you think women are “vain” because they will wait for public restrooms in lines that “go clear out the door” (as if we didn’t notice ourselves). Well, it’s about time someone told you … YOU’RE A MORON! (saw that one coming eh, Net?) Net: We saw all of this and more. You just go off, Blitzbunnie-honey. We’ll jes chill ’til the end. You think we’d wait in line 40 minutes just so we can fix our hair (*girlish giggle* because I’m a girl and have to show all those boys how brainless and ditzy I am) and slop some goop on our faces. WELL LA-DE-DA! Got a newsflash for ya buddy! And since you can’t possibly have ANY relationships with women (or this would be *SLAP* painfully obvious) … I’ll make this one a freebie (since no one else will ever say that to you). We wait in line not to gussy in front of a mirror, but to use the crapper! Now, maybe you think we have full-length mirrors in those little stalls. Wouldn’t that be nice? (*bat bat* eyes). We women could sit there and piss to our hearts’ delight while putting on a fresh coat of paint — I mean, makeup — for you boys. What a lovely sentiment! I’ll be sure to mention it to the Vain S##!%s Club! If a woman wants to use a mirror, she will go right in and use the cursed thing. The line’s for the stalls. (I had to repeat it. Women have to repeat everything they say to men because men forget half the things we say). Of course, I wouldn’t know. Should I ever care what my appearance is, I’d grab the neck of the nearest male twit and demand, “HOW DO I LOOK, MAGGOT?!” It’s a pretty safe bet his response wouldn’t send me screaming like a girl (tee hee!) to the women’s potty. Net: Wethinks you showed him. We’ll see y’all tomorrow.