Joy. Spring Break is only moments away. In fact, by the time you read this, we’ll be jetting off to our island paradise on Bimini, a full-figured, well-meaning lass on our arm. And to those TAs we promised to write papers for, sorry. The unicyclist ran over our homework.
In the meantime, gentle Networkians, give your typing fingers a rest in preparation for the home stretch. A mere 25 days of class remain.
TAKEN (A)BACK
From Numbnuts: Alright, you all are pissin’ me off with your whining and bitching about what an ignorant a$$hole I am. Net: We get that a lot, too. All I said was I didn’t like the fact that this guy rides a unicycle around campus. Big fat deal. I don’t think this is a very efficient means of transportation. Net: It’s all relevant. It’s much more efficient than “crawling,” or even “somersaulting.” Therefore, I just figured he was doing it to show off or pick up chicks or something. And no one likes a showoff. Net: Except, of course, for Liberace. Everyone loves Liberace and his famous diamond-studded candelabra-unicycle combination. I think it is great that he rides for the U.S. Olympic team or whatever, but why use it to get around campus? Net: Yeah … it’s not like you see the track dorks pole-vaulting and Fosbury-flopping here and about. Couldn’t you think of better ways to get around? Don’t think I am an anti-Unicycle-ite or anything all of you are claiming I am, because I am not. I don’t have a problem with it at all. I am happy he has an activity that brings him joy without him having to rip on people. Also, I don’t think I ruined his whole way of life like some of you claim. Net: Sure, unless that lynch mob outside our window — headed in the direction of campus with “Two Wheels or Nothing” signs and hacksaws in hand — is intended for someone else. If he is as good as others claim, then I think he is confident enough to take the lame criticism from one ignorant dweeb such as myself. Also, Joe from Idaho, don’t claim this campus is closed-minded, because so far I haven’t encountered one person who wasn’t pissed at my entry. Net: Except for Liber … uh, we mean, us. Yeah, we weren’t pissed. We were happier than Hawaiian frickin’ Punch. So I am sorry if I pissed all of you off or ruined someone’s life, but I was just voicing an opinion. I am now more enlightened and open-minded because of all of you who wrote in on behalf of Uni. As for Uni, I hope to see him riding his unicycle each and every day from now on. Net: You back-tracking little bitch. Stand up for your opinion, for chrissakes! What would Liberace think?
TEARFUL GOODBYE
From PEEing in the WEEds: Well, ladies and gentlemen, as I stand on the brink of my final “spring break,” Net: but not necessarily your last opportunity for “alcohol poisoning” or “lecherous behavior” I have started to grow nostalgic for everything I’m gonna leave behind here in just a few short weeks. I am about to graduate and take on a lucrative job in a multi-national firm, a position I earned by virtue of my being a privileged white male and having mucho connections through my bastion of white-maleness: Net: The Pick-Up Room at the ’90s? the fraternity. I am going to miss everything I leave behind here: the keggers, beer-busts, stein-hoists, Net: Ziggy-zaggy-ziggy-zaggy-OI-OI-OI!!! the Polo Sport, shirtless afternoons on the porch, easy freshmen, easier sorority chicks, the paddling, Net: Yet another thing the frats have in common with the ’90s … the hazing, the heaps of abuse I used to dish out in order to validate my own self-worth and the security that comes from being in a group of people who look and think EXACTLY like myself Net: And spending a lot of Mom and Dad’s money to get it all!! I shall miss these epic days of my youth, but such is the toll on the road of life. But now is not the time to dwell on that, for we still have these few weeks together. There is much beer to be drunk, much weed to be smoked, and there are still a few women out there who will fall for lines like “Let’s go somewhere quiet so we can talk.” Net: Our favorite pickup line: “Can you spare any change, missy?” I fully intend to use these last days to their utmost, and I’ll keep ya posted. Net: How ’bout you don’t and just say you did, huh? Seriously, though … cheers to PeeWee for the frat-punk insight he’s provided over the years. If not for him, we’d, well, uh, let’s just leave it at that.
MATRIX AND TREATS
From Thereisaspoon: Dear Beloved Network, being a longtime reader of Network, I have come to realize that most submissions are from whiny people who have nothing better to do than bitch about fat women, unicyclists, people who look at them and just about everything else they see. Net: And your point would be … ? A few of them have also bitched about Melcher’s contribution to the Daily: Caseous. I will make it clear right now that I am an average person who normally won’t complain, but whose opinions are correct. Net: It must be difficult to lug a cranium the size of Dom DeLuise’s ass around every day. My opinion is that Caseous = Crapseous. Melcher has been walking on thin ice with his cartoon for some time now. The quality of his work both in art and writing skills is abysmal. Net: Give ‘im an E for effort. Or something like that. I have let this slide for some time now, but after reading Thursday’s cartoon, I must remedy the situation. I can accept bad art. I can accept poor and unintelligible story lines. But what I canNOT accept is a rip on “The Matrix!” Net: No comment. Haven’t seen it. We had to wash our hair that night. It was inferred that “The Matrix” had “horrible character development” Net: Agreed. Maybe. and “a meandering plot that went nowhere.” Net: Damn straight. We think. Perhaps instead of picturing the cast of “The Matrix” under those captions, Melcher should have pictured himself. YOU are horrible character development, Melcher! YOU are a meandering plot that goes nowhere! For shame! How is it possible for someone who has seen “The Matrix” to not love it!? Net: ‘Cause it sucks. A-Hyuk. Perhaps I have answered my own question there. Melcher, please rent “The Matrix” and see what everyone else is talking about. And if you have seen it, rent it again, and watch it this time instead of playing it in the background while you study up on how to suck. Net: Practice makes perfect.