Net: Here’s a rand…

Net: Here’s a random sampling of responses to our Slapnuts contest. So far, the running is close with several strong write-in candidates. Keep those cards and letters coming.

From YankeesSuck: Hey, Net. Net: How they hanging? I’m just chillin’ at my window staring at all the lovely ladies the University has to offer as they stroll by my apartment. Net: You’re not on a porch, are you? That’s a horse of a different color entirely. Anyway, enough about my favorite hobby, let me get to my point. I’m writing to vote for Slapnuts of the Year, which is an obvious choice, one Joel Przybilla. Net: Ahh, yes, Mr. Przybilla. Doesn’t he play “basketball” or something? Anywho…
For all that punk Net: We always wondered about that haircut did to turn against his teammates, coach and, most importantly, his fans, the goofy piece of white trash deserves the award hands down. My dream is to see him break his knee a week before the NBA draft and be forced to serve me beer and hot dogs Net: That would be fitting, wouldn’t it? Sausages for the ultimate hot dog. at Williams Arena for the rest of his life. That is all, send my love to Ms. Network. Net: That ho’s in check, ifyouknowwhatwe’resaying. Later. Net: A fitting write-in candidate. The Meathead from Monticello is now on the ballot.

From Robert Plant: Dear Free Puff Netty: I would like to nominate another Slapnut of the Year. Cheerleaders.
We’ve all enjoyed their feeble attempts to defend themselves. Net: You like it better when they struggle, huh, bucko? Sick … Does “We get up at 5:30 in the morning three days a week” sound like a valid defense of their post-school activities? Net: Depends. Do you work in a factory or just do a lot of blow? Well, maybe it does.
And that’s what makes America great; you can be wrong and stupid and it just doesn’t matter. Net: A point that this entry has proven.
Speaking of things that don’t matter, ELMO’S GONE. Net: We try and try to kill him, but that little wuss comes back like a bad case of crabs. That friggin’ moron Net: Clem? whose temps are more wrong than a nude shot of one of the Golden Girls has been annoyin’ me for years. Net: Try registering. Peoplesoft = evil. Or something.
Good riddance.
And finally, my enemi … er, friends, why is bestiality illegal? There’s nothing more natural than mammals gettin’ it on. Like on the Discovery Channel. Can’t we all be lovers? How can we be lovers if we can’t be friends? The song remains the same …. Net: Wethinks Robert is in bad need of some loving. it sounds like he’s leaning toward sheep patrol in St. Paul.

From Chopper9: I’ll give you a slap in the nuts if that’s what you’re really looking for. Net: At last, a woman who understands our needs. From what I hear about working at the Daily, it’s considered a perk and a common one at that. Net: You’ve got that right. All we do over here is slap nuts. Slap, slap, slap all day long … But onto the pressing question at hand.
Being a long-time Daily reader Net: Loser, tee-hee, I think I can gage the waxing and waning of the talent that gets slopped onto the pages. As for Dr. Date, it doesn’t sound like he’s dating a whole lot. All this garble about getting in touch with your feelings and being brave enough to ask for someone’s number is a heap of garbage. People want to hear about fellatio with pets Net: Chopper, have you met our friend Mr. Plant? Sounds like a match made in, ermm, well, somewhere. and the sweet piece of ass they met and all the fun they had with ice cubes and chocolate syrup. Net:MMMMMM, chocolatey love goo. Feelings my ass. I’ll give you something you can feel. Net: From what we hear, everybody’s grabbed a little of that action.
Elmo? The weather’s in bold. That’s all I care about. Net: What about the children? Won’t someone think of the children!
And Mr. Melcher. That little tool could use a swift kick in the nuts. Net: We think we’re in love, our dear little pit-bull. If only we were capable of human contact. *Sigh* Too bad you’ll have to track down his mom, seeing as how she probably still holds onto them. Stick with the syndicated cartoons and spare the rest of us. He can go be funny and clever at a high school paper where they might give a sh*t. Net: Doubtful. They’re all here, wandering aimlessly across streets and generally annoying the rest of us.
The unfortunate thing about all this opinion I spew forth is that it will fall on deaf ears. That is, of course, unless that tool you think is going to run that place isn’t useless. Net: From what we hear, she’s not so bright unless you count a huge set of headlights, ifyoucatchthedoubleentendreandwethinkyoudo.

From Sass Appeal: So I was sittin’ there the other day, naked as a jaybird, high on life Net: Do you snort that or just mainline? and entertaining idle thoughts about what it would be like to have hair like Craig Kilborn, when it occurred to me that the state of Minnesota in all its power and glory should enact a CRIPPLE CURFEW.
I know, I know. You’re likely saying to yourself, “but Sass Appeal, surely you must realize the folly of such a proposal. Net: Actually, we were more along the lines of “Hey, that’s just crazy enough to work.” How, but how, could we slide such a politically incorrect — nay, explosive — piece of legislation past the up-and-coming Net: Or down and dirty physically challenged lobbyists?” The answer, my friends, is simple: Run FAST. They’re crippled, for chrissakes … it ain’t like they’re gonna catch ya. Net: But if they do, watch out. You haven’t been beat until you’ve felt the business end of a walker.
Anyway, my reasons for a cripple curfew are simple, if not entirely self-centered. You see, many a perfect parking spot outside any given local watering hole sits empty on a nightly basis. Why not allow the fleet of foot Net: And strong of wrist the opportunity to use these spots at their discretion, comfortable in the thought that the cripples are safely home in bed?
Think about it: Belly up at the brass rail for an hour or two (or six, if you’re anything like me), Net: If that’s anything like the pole they have at some finer establishments, we’re in and you’re as handicapped as the next guy, anyway.
That is all.
Net: Another boffo suggestion, Sass. It looks like there’s a new, anti-cripple sheriff in town. Watch out, ye of limited motor skills.