DearDr. Date,
Help me! I’m sick of being rejected. I want to meet someone who will appreciate me the way I appreciate them. I’m certain that I was born to be a single guy. All of my friends who are female only look at me as a friend. When I try to take the friendship further, I get shot down. I’ve tried meeting random girls, but that isn’t working for me either. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not ugly, I have a personality that people enjoy and I have a romantic nature. I get my share of flings, but I’m sick of flings. I want something real. I’m starting to believe that girls just go for jerks. I want someone who will appreciate me for who I am. I want someone who I can spoil with flowers, take on walks at Lake Calhoun, watch the stars with, etc. How do I attract and woo the type of woman I am looking for?
–The Hopeless Romantic
I can think of many possible problems, sport, but two spring to mind immediately. Either you are looking for the wrong type of women or you’re presenting yourself as the wrong type of guy.
When I speak of the wrong type of women, I’m not talking about bar flies and such. The wrong type of woman for you depends on who you are. Each guy has his own right and wrong types. The same woman can elicit two distinctly different responses from two different guys. The same goes for women. The women you are trying to woo may be looking for a different type of guy. Sure, you make a perfect friend, but to these women, you don’t make anything stir within them. You can, if you wish, attempt to change yourself into the type of guy these women like. Before you do, stop and ask yourself if this is what you really want to do. If you choose to put on a charade, you can only deny your true self for so long. Sooner or later they’re going to find out who you really are. Chances are good you’ll probably get sick of the game or them quickly anyway. I say stay who you are and only make minor changes to your approach.
Instead of being friends first, make it clear that you have other intentions. This doesn’t mean you have to be a jerk. Getting the message across can range from being totally blunt to cleverly flirtatious. Compliment her boldly and honestly. Be a little more mysterious, too. Women tend to like the solitary rebel, so let your individuality show through. Be strong, but don’t be an asshole. Be confident, but not egotistical. Be attentive, but don’t fawn.