Catch White Chocolate while U can !

by Chloe Sassbottom

So what’s more fab than the Gap with daddy’s plastic, a bag of guilt-free baked lays and a Sandra Bullock movie all rolled into one?
Chocolate, baby. White Chocolate.
And while most of y’all know chocolate as the goey substance you use to substitue for sex on those lonely nights, the new hip-hop pop-star boy-band sensation White Chocolate is better than that night with your best friends father.
These boys are hot.
A group of five friends who all flunked out of Aveda, they boys have risen from humble beginnings to the brink of their 13.5 minutes of fame.
“We were just bumming out, ’cause we had like, no jobs and were like eating at ghetto places like McDonalds. I was seriously just thinking about moving back in with my parents in Edina, even though that would have been lame,” Big Mike Shaggin, the groups main rapper, said.
It was just those mean streets in Edina that hardened the boys’ cutting-edge lyrics on cuts like “I miss you like I miss my maid,” and “The mall of my heart is closed.”
The five — Wyclef John Carter, Shaggin, Marky Mark Heller, DJ Dr. Biznatch Z. McGroobs III and Ironslab Z — haven’t gotten to this point by being afraid to tell the truth.
“We’ve got this one song about being afraid, called ‘Lock the doors (That dude looks homeless),” Carter said. “It’s about this time dad let me borrow the Audi and this dude come up to us wit a squeegee and he’s all ‘Lemme wash your windows, man’ and I was like ‘No way. This is my dad’s car,’ and he was like ‘you guys got any spare change?’ and I was just about to, like, call the Five-Oh — that means police — on my cell phone, you know?”
“But thank the good lord, the light turned green just then and we biggety-biggety-busted on outta there before he could car-jack us LA-style, know what I’m sayin’?” Heller chimed in.
“It was mad trippin, yo. Word is bond,” Ironslab, also an Edina native, added.
But White Chocolate isn’t always all deep and stuff. In their debut album, “We would appreciate it if you would not mess with our flava,” the fly five aren’t afraid to show us their softer side.
Their pop-ballad “Me, you, and your mom’s Subaru,” McGroobs III’s lilting voice tells the story of his first date, when he didn’t yet have his drivers license, but his girlfriend did.
“As you drove me
To Applebees
I knew that I
Would always love you.
That night it was
Me, you and your mom’s Subaru.”
Said Heller, “It was tough, ‘Cause that song was like, five minutes long, and it’s, you know, really hard to think of that much stuff to say. Ummm, that’s it, I guess.”
White Chocolate is confident they will avoid the longevity problems plaguing other boy band hopefuls like Four Score and 98.6 degrees.
“We ain’t going out like that, you know,” Carter said. “We’re the real deal, like the ’98 Vikings or the Met Stadium.
The boys also hope to inspire hope with their lyrics, despite dripping from the streets realism.
“We try to incorporate the phat beats of like, A-Ha with lyrics like Creed and stuff,” Shaggin said. “I don’t want to be whining about, like homelessness or something, and when I hear something like ‘can you take me higher, to a place of golden dreams,’ that reminds me of, like where I came from and I can totally relate.”
With role models like Creed, White Chocolate can only succeed in George W. Bush’s America.