Net: Because of a horrible, horrible mistake made by Net last week (or maybe it was because of the curiosity we needed to arouse in our readers since it IS sweeps week), we begin today with the rest of Rolla Diva‘s truncated letter from Friday. We have learned that anger and censorship don’t solve problems, they only hurt feelings. We now join Rolla Diva‘s letter, which was in the middle of a diatribe, already in progress…
IN CONTINUATION
From Rolla Diva: …Like he could coordinate Jim Beam promotions in bars. Then he could be in a bar for a living! Doesn’t that sound perfect, Peewee? At this job you are even required to drink and to tell sexy girls in skimpy clothing what to do until the bar closes! Net: Jim Beam usually tells people what to do AFTER the bar closes. It may sound too good to be true, but this job actually exists, and sorry, Peewee, but my super-cute friend Vikki totally stole your dream job! Net: Vikki’s an astronaut? Ha Ha! On another note, I’m sure Schwyinge, in his infinite wisdom and human ecology with an emphasis in basket weaving (actual class, no lie), never once had to do any double replacement equation balancing. Hey Schwyinge, how are those 16-row friendship bracelets coming along? Net: Rumor has it those things sell like hotcakes at any Phish show. I know they were really tough for you in the fourth grade, but I’m glad you conquered your early development problems. Give yourself a pat on the back from me and I’ll let you play with the bubbles, OK?
FUTURE KING
From Ugh: Hello Network, you do not know me, but I know you. Net: Great, it’s the CIA. I am Ugh. I have been pondering long into the night for many nights now about how to make myself known to the University, and since your quasi-omnipotence is nearly equal to mine, and since there is no other forum around, I figure what the hell, I’ll announce myself in Network. Net: Couldn’t you just have hung from Moos Tower? Wait, that’s been done…how about going to Sally’s during ladies night? Then you’ll really “know” the University.
Here’s the deal. I am a mad scientist from the College of Liberal Arts and I will in time rule the University Net: Looks like Glen Mason has that covered for the next seven years. (or not, I’m kind of unfocused, but for now, I plan on ruling the University). Net: Unfocused, confused, yet still in a position of power. Hell, it worked for Reagan. I will unleash a most time-consuming and compelling television show where two teams of people are stranded on a tropical island and are forced to survive. Net: Isn’t that what’s happening in Fiji right now? I think I will call it “Hey, Nobody Likes That Guy, Let’s Vote Him Off This Island Because I want To Be the One to Win.” The student body, staff, and faculty of the University will be so engrossed in this TV show that I shall have free reign! WOOOHAHA! Net: This again proves our point: TV is for suckers.
“GOLDEN” GOPHER FUN
From The Cactus Queen from South Cactus Island: Net, it has been many years since I wrote last. Net: Don’t feel bad. Someone’s gotta be last. I have since graduated from this fine institution, but alas, have not escaped. Net: Ironically, the University is home of the greatest escape artist in history. That’s right: Joel Przybilla. I now work here, so I spend even more time on campus than I did when I was a suffering student.
I write today in dismay! I was informed by a close friend of the GO GOPHERS urinals, and thought that surely he was yanking my chain, so to speak. Net: Coincidentally, they just recently took the chain flushes out of Murphy Hall as part of their zillion dollar renovation project. Friday, I read your omnipotent column, only to discover that Pres. Weasel confirms this abomination. I have not ventured to the other side (I dare not enter the little boys’ rooms, for fear of . . . I know not what) Net: They ain’t so bad. Just make sure you stay out of the one in Willey Hall that constantly makes the crime reports. to see these GO GOPHERS `signs’ for myself, but I wonder, did someone from Wisconsin come up with that? Net: Probably not. With the extreme cases of the delirium tremens that most Sconnies suffer from all that Schlitz, their hands are too shaky to hit the GO GOPHERS sweet spot. Why don’t they say Badgers? Come on, people! Is it really a good morale booster to be peeing on the Gophers? Net: It’s quite therapeutic, actually. Think of it as a way to get back at the University for its high tuition, red tape, food service, the Coca-Cola tyranny, etc.
INVESTMENTS PAY OFF
From PeeWee — the unpopular: Well, it is good to know that I still got the magic touch to piss people off. Net: Yes, it’s heartwarming to know that thousands of people want you dead. I am glad to see that some things haven’t changed since graduation! Net: You surely aren’t talking about tuition. By the way, my suck-ass job which I complained about only lasts the summer while I get my plastic paid off. Net: Did you get suckered by the “Sign up for a $10,000 credit line and get a free Coke T-Shirt” deal, too? Come October, I got the phat hook-up a la my bastion of white male networking: the phrat. Net: Didn’t they burn those down yet?
At that point, it is gravy and sweet sailing to the easy life. Net: And easy women. So do not worry ’bout me, I didn’t screw up so bad during school that I can’t mooch off of all the connections I paid for over the last four years. C’Ya! Net: And that, Network readers, is the reason all those CEOs and corporate heads were once in frats. It ain’t what you know, it’s who you know…
