From SUPERTRON: Hi, Network — first-time writer, long-time reader. Net: And that, of course, makes you a leech. No offense. I am writing you today while watching “Hollywood Squares.” No, not to rejoice over the clever one-liners some of our favorite celebrities spit out nightly, including Whoopi Net: Ms. Goldberg proves there is indeed a very thin line between comedy and fart cushions. who has taken over the permanent spot once held by Jm J. Bullock. Net: This is the second time in a short while that Mr. Bullock’s name had weaseled its way into our little 9″ x 6″ world. And both times, it’s been spelled incorrectly. For the record, it is “Jm” — as obnoxious as it appears. Instead, I am writing to thank our delightful school for those killer concerts we get at Coffman Union. This last Wednesday, I went and got myself a couch. As I was just getting into my dream about Ron Popeil taking over our country Net: “I solemnly swear to defend the Constitution and dehydrate every taxpayer in sight, quick and easy, for the low, low price of … .”, I was awoken by the sweet loud sounds of a group that I think was swing. The only redeeming quality about this loud band was they shut out the excessive yelling by the man I call the atheist leader. I think he was yelling about Killbots. I would tend to think they could move the little shows downstairs. I am tired by the time I get to Coffman. I want to nap during those times. The upstairs should be for quiet — not excessively loud bands. I think we tired students need to unite and do a sleep-in. Come join me, fellow sleepers. THIS IS OUR TIME!! Net: Sleep while you can, Mr. Sandman, and read a paper sometime … that big sucker is shutting down soon. And the flood of complaints about the inconveniences of construction will THE GEEK WAR RAGES ON
inevitably follow. (Sigh.)
To the Boy in the EE Bubble (aka Rabid Dawg) from Captain Morgan: In all fairness, ChemEs do need EE/CSCIs to do all the computer grunt work. Net: Kinda like garbage collectors. However, EEs need ChemEs to make all of their semiconductor materials. Really, all of the ITs need each other in one way or another. Net: Thus, they should all get together and enjoy a big group hug. ChemEs also need buildings by StructEs, foundations by CEs, and equipment by MEs. But ChemEs provide the processes for making materials used by every other program offered at this institution, including the booze and drugs at your parties and ours. The fact of the matter is, ChemEs make more money than other engineers. Net: Why do the little guys — the PotEs, the FilthEs and the UglEs — always get left out?
Let’s compare paychecks in five years and see who’s partying harder, geek boy! You say that the ChemE program is too easy? You just dropped out before it got hard. Net: That is the American way, and the way we see it, that makes Bubble Boy a patriot. We wouldn’t get paid more if it were easier. Net: It’s good to know we all took the wisdom of our elders to heart: “Do something you love; the money will follow.” We figure The “E”s aren’t
there ’cause they’re smart, but rather because they’re greedy.
From Superfreak: This is in response to Pogo‘s letter about self pleasure.
As a female, I really feel sorry for you males who have to rely on porn and your hand for pleasure. Net: Feel not sorry, for they feel not depraved. I do not even need privacy to enjoy myself; all I need is a good, long, bouncy ride on a bus seat or can even experience pleasure from crossing my legs. Net: Odd … both lead to nausea for men. Just some more reasons why I am glad I am not a man. By the way, I would like to hear about other innovative ways for women to have solitary pleasures without fuss GOTTA BE SOPHOMORES
and muss. Girls, write with ideas! Net: Yes, girls, do that. Pogo, his imagination and his hand will be waiting.
From The Egocentric Bastards: O, Great Network, after months of strenuous training this summer on the ideology of conspiracy theory and egocentric nationalism in the seedy underbelly of the suburbs, we are ready to lead the revolt. THE REVOLUTION HAS ALREADY BEGUN!
Necessity has forced us to begin small, but we are more committed than ever. At this point, you might be asking yourself, what is the object of our indignation? Net: Actually, that question never once occurred to us. We were simply entranced by your vitriolic prose. But thanks for the heads-up. The revolution is opposed to students being forced by the oppressive bureaucracy of this so-called institution of higher learning to endure two years of learning an alien language, thus putting a further strain on our already meager financial resources. Net: Furthermore, why are we saddled with so few language choices? Why not Klingon? Why not Body Language, or the Language of Love?
The language requirement will do most students as much good as purchasing a $2,472 sound-system for a Ford Festiva. This abomination is the equivalent of listening to Yanni and Kenny G duets for two years straight. Net: It would beat the hell out of them going head-to-head, Ö la dueling banjos.
The revolution feels the bourgeois language requirement is against our right to remain ignorant Americans. Net: Speak the word, brother! If we wanted to learn the ways of a foreign culture, we’d spend our spring breaks getting drunk in Canada, and the revolution is not talking about moving to Quebec. The Revolution can already experience the fine spirits that spring forth from Canada. VIVA LA MOLSON! VIVA LA REVOLUTION!!
These are not the rantings of a couple of drunken freshmen. The Revolution can and will succeed!