Net: Wow, the last Network of the millenium. We’d like to thank all our loyal readers over the past 1000 years. Here’s to 1000 more. Oh, and go easy on Ogie. It was his first time and he was most likely overwhelmed with the mind-blowing eternal intelligence of the collective and Doritos. Have a good Kwanzaa, and be sure to keep sending us your WACKY break stories (so we don’t have to go nuts filling our Jan. 16 column).
From CurryGrrl: I know that I haven’t written in since last year, Net: FOR SHAME but I have just discovered what the collective has known for years: Writing to Network helps you avoid homework. Net: Actually writing Network does the same With the absence of Dr. Date, Rollerdiva, Net: *sigh* and A&E, and the presence of many new annoying topics in the Net, Net: Hey, best stairway on campus is NOT an annoying topic I think that I’ve come up with a solution to all problems. I’m sure that we’re all sick of seeing the “I saw you on the Campus Connector and want to jump your bones” type letters in Net, so I propose that we fill the void left by Dr. Date and the A&E section with personal ads. They would serve both the purposes of entertaining the masses and of ensuring that everybody has a hookup in time for New Years. Net: Eh Á Well, with one issue left Á And, we all know that I could use a little action in my single dorm room ifyouknowwhatI’msayin.’ How ’bout it, Networkians? Wouldn’t you be willing to chip in a couple of bucks to find someone as lonely and hungry for lovin’ as you are? By the way, Pulp does indeed play music well. May your dreams be Jarvis-licious.
From Attack_Squirrel: Boy Ogie, you sure do suck. Net: Hey now! You have to be the suckiest suck whose ever sucked. Aside from a mildly entertaining quip about “a mystery boyfriend” your inane contribution to the Network isn’t even fit to catch my chinchilla’s excrement. It’s people like you that make me think that the University should reinstate public executions. Net: Just what we need: Hangin’ Day on the Mall You’re even worse than Melcher, God damn it. The whole NUTing back page should’ve just been a fucking Caseous comic; Net: The horror Á it would’ve been a hell of a lot funnier than your uncreative and feculent offering to the collective. Net: Wethinks someone is a bit jealous that they didn’t find the SUPER CRAZY OBJECT It was funny, but not funny ha-ha, like when someone who doesn’t smoke gets lung cancer. Net: If you like that kind of humor, be sure to check out our finals issue this Friday! It’s sure to offend! Ogie, I spent 5 minutes of my life reading your drivel, and I want them back. On another rant, It turns out some nerdy frat boy has $7,000 that his daddy gave him to run for MSA President. Net: If we get some of that money, he’s got our vote My opinion of that organization is low enough as it is, and here comes some stupid frat boy trying to pull a Mark Dayton. Net: We wonder if he’ll work for 1 $ a year When are these loser politician wanna-bes going to learn that students don’t give a rat’s ass about the issues? All the apathetic troglodytes at this campus want to do is drink cheap beer and NUT drunken bimbos wearing tight black pants. Net: Mmmm Á pants To the said frat boy, I say this: you do not govern well. Even though you can’t help that you were born with a silver dick in your NUT, I’m still going to do everything in my power to ensure that daddy’s money gets flushed down the toilet. I hope you choke on a truffle. Later.
From THE_ONE: After yesterday there’s a stink coming off the Network like the one that’s still wafting up from Kathleen Willy’s parched and time-worn crotch (dissimilar I might add to that which emanates from your mothers’ pungent genitalia). It’s the stink of conspiracy. After treating us to the “wit” of the likes of Ooogie the booger you boneheads start looking like geniuses, don’t you? Net: Excellent Á The scenario from your doleful tragi-comedy runs like a Mexican school bus. “Let’s see … we’ll set up a puppet regime, install some stooge to NUT things up and then come swooping in to save Networkia.” Sounds like the kind of coup that only the cracks on the Network squad could cook up between their 1 o’clock zit popping and 1:15 circle jerk. Net: Hey now, the circle jerk is at 1:20 As for you vile ooogie, what I wouldn’t give to pummel you about the head and shoulders. (I’ll leave the naughty spanking to the boys down at the network). Net: That was the secret part of the prize Á
From Punk in the Box: Allll yaalll are real boring. I just wanna say hi to those hot daily photographers Net: NO, they’re all ours, YOU HEAR US? THEY ARE OURS … they’re the ones who should get their flix taken ifyaknowwhatimean Net: Hoo-ah! We’d love to stop down their aperture, ifyouknowwhatwe’reimplyin’ … so here is the story, I went down to “The Customer’s F***ed” (TCF) and they said I had a bunch of overdrafts and I said to myself, “this is real bad.” Net: Buyin’ drugs on your check card again? so I called up one of the people there and got two out of four fees cancelled. And then the next day I called up and I told them I had reconsidered and I would allow them to cancel the other two as well. Net: How infinitely kind of you Then she said that she could only do this if it were a bank error, and I said, well the bank is totally NUTed up, is that an error? And she said “no”. I know she has a list sitting in front of her that is full of good excuses and I just have to say the right one, so somebody, for my x-mas gift, please write into network and tell me just one of the “Accepted Excuses” … please. Net: Using our AOL web browser, we managed to hack into the TCF mainframe and found the list you mentioned. Here’s a few: “The dog ate my receipt.” “Woodland creatures stole my spectacles.” “PANTS, DAMMIT, PANTS!” “I have a gun and will shoot you.” “Are you humping the phone now, too?” “My dad told be that you would take the fees away, he is big and strong.” “Your bank is dumb.” “My other bank said I could.” Also I wanted to say that we here at my 10-dollar-an-hour job agree … all TAs are hot (until their not your TA anymore) and we all know that TA’s just sit around thinking about how great a nice young piece of ass would feel as they lazily sip expensive cups of coffee bought with Fulbrights. Ah, the idle shiftless lifestyle of the surly TA … by the way, I think the person Net: We, sir or ma’am, are a collective who runs network should be called the netmaster Net: We prefer SCROTOR or OPTIMUSPRIME, but we’re not sure why … look for my next letter about my new organization on campus, Formerly Against Drunk Driving (FADD)
