To me, it seems self-evident that gays and lesbians should be able to marry. This is the land of the free and the brave. The way I see it, if straights can give up their freedom, then so can gays.

I have followed the legal fights over gay marriage pretty closely over the years and only one court decision about marriage has impressed me.

In 1887, the Oregon Territory high court defined marriage as a civil contract establishing “the most important relationship of one’s life.” Now there’s a definition of marriage that seems good for straights and gays. Ironically, the Oregon court came up with this definition of marriage when a couple wanted a divorce.

The two most frequently used arguments against same-sex marriage are as follows: One, gays can’t marry because they can’t have children. Two, gays can’t marry because marriage has always been between one man and one woman.

So where is the law that says all married people must have children? Hell, we don’t even have any laws saying all married people must have sex. Indeed, some claim nothing ruins sex more surely than a really long marriage.

Does God say “All married people must have children”? I don’t think so. That’s His department, right? Then why are so many married couples begging God, without success, to give them children?

And those who say marriage has always been between one man and one woman need to read a few chapters of the Old Testament. In those times, one man with 70 young virgins was the ideal. Eternal Virgins; now there’s a novel idea! Hey, maybe all those hot Arab men are really gay. Hmmm.

Another funny thing about the “Moral Majority” is it gets upset with straights for having children outside marriage – then it gets upset with gays for not having children outside marriage. Would members of the right get less upset if only they got a little more? I call their morals petal-plucking ethics: “We like it. We like it not.”

So why is the United States having so much trouble with gay marriage? Why do we hate Islamic religious fanatics so much, but vote for Christian religious fanatics so often? Maybe we’re just a nation full of religious flip-floppers seeking a shower.

And finally, I think it’s time we acknowledge that the Muslims are right to fear the United States is secretly run by Jews. Face it; We Americans circumcise our baby boys just like the ultra-Orthodox Jews. Ouch! Why fight over marriage laws and a little foreskin?

Do you want world peace? The quickest way to get world peace would be to give Utah to the polygamists and Palestinians in exchange for Israel, and then start busing gays to the east and west coasts once again, like they did during the ’50s.

Peace and (getting a) piece on earth for everyone. Hosanna in the highest.

Tim Campbell is a former University instructor. Please send comments to [email protected].