Net: Ah, the final …

Net: Ah, the final day of the week (at least for all of you who happen to be reading this; it is still Thursday night for the collective). It also happens to be the final weekend for the Renaissance Festival, so if your leather mugs are all rancid or your wax hands are melting, you should probably head over there to replace said items. Ourselves, we enjoy attending and role-playing as the time-traveling drunkard. Unfortunately, the young maids never wish to “lie with us.” Where are the tavern wenches when you need them? Huzzah!
From TooCoolToProvideAName: Yo, Net-hole! Net: What’s up, NUTbag? On behalf of OLD NODDERS everywhere: Bite me! Net: No proble Á Wha wha WHA? As if sitting in class with petulant snots isn’t bad enough, reading the dribble from pathetic engineer wanna-be’s in this asinine rag makes the generation gap even more insufferable. The ‘Professor Nod’ is a courtesy you’re 15 years away from learning. Net: If only the whole class could draw from your wisdom, we all could be nodding in blissful unison, making the class look like a slow-motion video of a Nirvana concert in which all the fans were using high-powered depressants And I never knew carrying a motorcycle helmet was a way to look cool. Net: Neither did we Hmm, I must be cool. ‘Course, I oughta be: 16 years an engineer with Minnesota’s own world-revered Fortune 100; kick-ass salary; full-ride advanced degree; Net: So you’re a sophomore? paid time off for slicing traffic at a buck-30 (ergo said helmet) to stroll into class, only wasting two minutes, in the middle of the day … Eat your heart out. In fact, that must be why the weasel that picks on THAT GUY and OLD NODDER chooses to do it behind their backs: Net: We have to, they always sit in the front jealous and hopeless. You wanna, like, be an engineer ‘cuz you got, like, a ‘B’ in Calc, right? Net: A ‘C-‘, thank you very much. Uhh Á wait Think: I’m the one filtering your resumes, you insolent, cowardly ignoramuses.

From Snackpak: Dearest Network, I have written to warn all in Networkia of the vicious cycle that is threatening to take over our Networkian lives as we know it … well at least for the next few weeks. I don’t know about you, but some of my lectures top the 200 person count, so how can we possibly try to categorize ALL of our fellow classmates? Net: We never said it was going to be easy. But if we all really put our minds to it, we can truly stereotype the ENTIRE WORLD! A HA HA HA HA HA! Don’t get me wrong, I like ripping into the “THAT GUY” and “OLD NODDER” as much as the next person, but “FIDGETING SLACKER” and “OBSCURE REFERENCE BOY?” Net: Just like that time in Star Trek episode ##238 when Spock discovered the true nature of human love and Á That’s just pushing it. I adore Network, and I don’t want to see it go down the tubes because it’s become a bulletin board Net: If you promise to never mention that name in our hallowed columns again, we promise to never run cute kid stories or lame Minnesota jokes of lame nicknames for U students. My advice to all in Networkia is that while you’re wasting away your time in lecture, ignore the annoying people and concentrate on one of the finer things in life: the Daily Crossword. Net: Oh sweet crossword, how shall we ever win your hand?
From LauraPalmer: Hey Net. I have two Things. Net: Weird! We only have one thing, ifyouknowwhatwe’resayin’ First, God bless Def Leppard. Not the band, the bus driver. Does everyone know who I’m talking about? He’s got a ratted mullet-cut, Net: always wears a leather jacket and leather gloves with the fingers cut out? Yeah, he NUTTin’ RULES. So today, I hop on the connector and he’s driving. But he’s playing solo John Lennon, Net: At least it wasn’t solo Ringo Starr which, though good, is very out of character for Def Leppard. I think everyone is with me when I say, “Hey Def Leppard, be yourself. Put your Styx tape back in the boom box and just keep doing what you do.” Net: Thank you very much, Mr. Roboto.
Alright, second and much more important thing. A few days ago the Daily ran a few of those little self promotions Net: We’re shameless, aren’t we? that featured an incredibly sexy and ripped Sting; I’m pretty sure it was from Dune. Net: We bet you’d like to see his Gom Jabber So after a couple days of browsing Dune websites, I am unable to find this picture. I’m asking, no, pleading, that the Daily run a full-page color (possibly fold-out) of this picture. Net: Actually it was just one of Network’s self portraits The one before was WAY too small. I’ve talked to some friends and they all agree that this would be good for ALL Daily readers, male and female alike. And here’s why. A huge picture of topless lickable Sting Net: Could he be the one? would make everyone think of sex and the amazing sex they could be having if only they applied themselves and tried really hard. This ambition would spread to other arenas, like school. Everyone would stop ditching class Net: When are we supposed to have this amazing sex? and start trying really hard and writing fabulous papers and getting amazing grades. It’d be widespread effort. Not to mention, a greatly increased sexual energy, which will come in handy and keep us warm during the cold days ahead. So please, Net, do what you can. The academic reputation of the University depends on it. Net: We’ll talk to marketing. Peaceout.
From AnonymousSpamGuy: Are you feeling low on energy? Net: Yes! Are you tired of not being able to lose that extra weight? Net: No, we love it, it makes us more ‘cuddly’ If your answer is yes … answer this question … What are you going to do about it? Most people start a workout program only to quit after a few weeks. Why? Net: Death? Because they haven’t lost 10 pounds. I guess they didn’t know that you can’t lose 10 pounds in a few weeks by exercise alone. Net: But you can by the magic new process of amputation! Why else do they quit? Because they don’t have the energy needed to drag themselves Net: After amputation, we guess into the gym after a long, hard day at work. Quitters don’t win.
There is a new product on the market called Xenadrine. It’s hard to find on the shelves at the store because Net: It’s illegal in over 53 states of it’s high demand. This product is a potent and rapid-results breakthrough in the science of fat loss and energy producing supplements! Net: OK, enough of that Á Have a healthy weekend.