Net: Movie of the w…

Net: Movie of the week: Blazing Saddles. Again, Gopher sports teams play their respective sports well.
HAWKEYE HOS
Net: This following letter is proof that we truly have a global audience through the magic of the “e-Internet cyberweb-zone”
From Kelly: You guys are hilarious! Net: We prefer to think of ourselves as a “good-natured romp” I found great humor in this article because I am one of the few die-hard female fans of Illini Hockey. I feel your pain when you remarked on some of the hoochie attire worn to hockey games. Net: Let’s get this straight: The collective has no problem with hoochie attire; the letter-writer did I guess to me a game consisting of hard hits and blood-letting shouldn’t be grouped together with sluts in skank attire. Net: Tell that to Roller Derby I haven’t decided which is worse: the fans who might later be selling themselves on Green Street or the cruelty of having Iowa State bring cheerleaders and a band. What is hockey coming to? Net: Perfection As for the hockey player girlfriends, we have a specific section in our ice arena where they sit. Net: In Minnesota its called “the snack bar” I refer to it as the nail file section just because all the girlfriends sit there in their black bar pants and tube tops and file their nails during the game … probably because they have NO idea what the game is about. Net: “Like, when are they gonna, like, ice the goalie or whatever?” I can’t say I haven’t worn bar clothes to a game, but at least I had the decency to wear an Illini Hockey jersey over it. Thanks for entertaining me … it’s good to know that we’re not the only university with hockey tramps. Net: At least the Gophers don’t let them play
SEX ‘U’ UP
From GirlOnTop: I am wanting to know what DirkDiggler finds so terribly exciting about having sex in a “room with four walls and a lockable door.” Come on now, that could be any wannabe porn star’s dorm room, or any “handicapped restroom” on campus. The point to having sex on campus, in public or anywhere besides the bed is that it’s exciting and spontaneous. Don’t hide away in a one-person bathroom. You might as well stay at home. The risk of being caught is like a drug, once you do it and get away with it, you can’t get enough. Net: Just like watching Zena. Oh sweet Gabrielle Á

From Banky Edwards: Oh illustrious Net, you’ve been so kind as to print my recent rants that I figured I should grace you (and all of your readers) with the fruits of my vast experience in the area of sex on campus. While basement bathrooms are nice if you’re afraid of getting nabbed, by far the best place on campus to have sex is either of the two Willey lecture halls. Yes, all of you potzers sitting in psychology or anthro, I, Banky Edwards, have made it on the tables in the front of the classroom. Net: You’re a professor, aren’t you? In fact, there’s a fair chance I’ve had sex in the seat you’re sitting in. Net: *jumps up in disgust* My girlfriend and I decided last year that we wanted to leave our mark all over campus. Net: For the love of God, use chalk We made love, or as she likes to say “humped,” everywhere from Williamson Bookstore to the concert halls in Ted Mann, but Willey proved to be so fulfilling that we couldn’t move on. Net: The collective is skeptical. Please provide photographic and/or video evidence In our estimation, we’ve made whoopie in about 100 seats in Willey 125 and 175 combined, along with the tables in front and the podium that Professor Weiss or Professor Laden is leaning against. Yes, look and laugh because their arms are resting in our love juices, but don’t laugh too hard because you might be sitting in my dried man-batter. I guess you’ve just gotta find something you love to do and then do it for the rest of your life. For me, it’s NUTTING in Willey Hall.

From Joe McCarthy’s Ghost: Hello Net. Long time reader, first time writer. I have been a student of this hallowed institution for many moons. Net: So you’re a sophomore? To wit, I remember when Network was accompanied on page 2 by Calvin & Hobbes AND The Far Side. Net: We remember when Network was only available on daguerreotype and featured the Katzenjammer Kids and Prince Valient Oh! how I long for those days; the shit desecrating those sacred spots now rends my heart in twain. I also remember when there occasionally appeared an entry that was not entirely about squirrels (although the squirrel conspiracy theorists that enjoyed a brief stint of popularity in the mid-1990’s supplied a few amusing submissions), how stupid frat boys are (how many times can people state and restate the obvious, for chrissakes? Net: We’re not sure, but we’re trying our damnedest to find out), or the who-sucks-more debate between bicyclists, rollerbladers, and pedestrians. Although I am encouraged to see some discussion of music recently, the recent question of “Who’s better: Pearl Jam or Creed?” seems to me like asking “What would you rather eat: dog shit or cat shit?” Of course, being an older student, I may be the only one on campus that will not vote for the lunatic Ralph Nader. As a matter of fact, I’ll probably cast a write-in vote for My Ass, since it would be a better candidate than anybody running. People who know me know that My Ass is very talented. Many times has it been said that “My Ass is a better hitter than Butch Huskey,” or “My Ass could write better music than Pearl Jam.” Net: Who’s your running mate? Your crotch? Now, I think it is time for My Ass to put its considerable gifts to use for the good of the Nation. It’s what the country wants Ü nay, needs. Vote for My Ass for President!

PUBICSERVICE
From Turkeywaffle: I am an idiot, as well. I’d like to give a big thanks to WackyLosingStuffPerson for giving me the courage to make my own idiocy known to the world. I also have lost a backpack. It is a tan Eastpack bag. I think I left it in or near the art building. Net: The birds probably took it to build their nests Since I am broke, virtue will have to be its own reward on this one. Net: You don’t always need money to provide Á ahem Á a “reward,” ifyouknowwhatwe’resayin’ It has my biology book in it, a Gopher Guide, and some “Stadium Hair” pens in it. Eastpack Rules. Jansport sucks. I hope the last editorial comment doesn’t discourage any Jansport owners from looking for it. (you’re still special people, you just have a different, and therefore worse, backpack than me.) I’ve been missing it since Thursday.
Net: Peace