In his besotted condition, our own Doc Smooth has joined the ranks of NITWIT, in defense of all that is just, all that is salutary, all that is good. We just hope he doesn’t regret it in the morning.
WITH HIS BEER ON HIS HEART
From Doc Smooth:

I pledge allegiance,
to NITWIT,
in my confused state of hysteria.
And in my drunkenness,
when I can’t stand,
Inebriated,
or maybe just plowed,
Indivisible (is really fun to say drunk)
with Bacardi, and free beer for all …

… where’s Jack? …

ACRONYM THIS
From Shank: Does anyone else out there want to save those poor members of the Animal Liberation Front? Net: How can you save that which you cannot stop? Here’s what you need to do: First come up with an acronym for your group that insures you will not be taken seriously. For instance, LAFF — Liberating Animals is Frickin’ Funny; or FREEDOM — Fry Rats Excessively on Every Day Of the Month; or even PUTT — People for the Unethical Treatment of Tuna. Now that you have a catchy name, you must break into the homes of ALF members, destroy both the Goodwill couch and chair and kidnap the members. Finally, release them into an environment where they will last about as long as Joey Lawrence’s singing career. Net: Whoa! Such environments include the American work force, a fourth grade-level reading class, or the bologna processing plant. It’s up to you, people. Remember, only you can protect vivisection.
P.S. Is Greenpeace a play on words, hinting that we should only eat green peas? And can anyone help me find a can of tuna-safe dolphin?
YOU LOOKIN’ AT MY SISTER?
From JD: Dear Netty, please tell me what I should do. Every quarter I circle the dates of Sorority Forum Day with trembling hands. On the appointed day, I meticulously dress myself in my finest Abercrummie attire from head to toe: Net: Well, at least you’d stand out … Abercrummie socks, Abercrummie undies, Abercrummmie necklace and earrings, the whole enchilada. I strut past those happily self-satisfied girls glorying in their greek letter T-shirts, Net: Uh huh, greek letter undies, necklace and earrings, et al … hoping against all hope that one of them will deign to glance in my direction, and extend her Aveda-manicured hand in an offer of eternal sisterhood. Net: Legs. You forgot to shave your legs. Sheesh! After several hours of strutting back and forth to no avail, I sometimes scrape up enough courage to go up to them, but I am invariably sent packing with nothing more than an forced smile and a condescending chuckle to show for my heart-wrenching gambit. Net: You’re lucky. Sorority bylaws normally require eye poking and “snuggies.” What does a guy have to do to get asked to join a sorority around here? Think about it guys! Living in a house with 40 eligible trophy wives. Why are the doors so firmly shut against us? Where’s our chance to enjoy the benefits of sisterhood?
THE IT FILES
From Tiggs: Oh Network with the creamy center, here is a non-ALF letter for you to consider. Net: You’ve brought the ratio up to 1/10. Anyway, Canadian FBI, I can feel your pain … wait a minute … no — I can’t — so you are pretty pathetic. There are those of us few chosen IT people who do have girlfriends. I thought I would take a minute to write in while she is on her way over here and before the hot, freaky sex will begin. Net: OK, that’s enough. CLA sex stories are okay, but … My story is that I found a wonderful girl who has a fear of numbers and science. She is so impressed that I can understand this stuff and her eyes glass over with awe whenever I mention quantum numbers or implicit differentiation. The key is that you also have to show an interest in whatever she is doing and sound impressed by it. You can fake it at first but the longer you are involved the more genuine you interest will become. Like it or not, it is true. Net: Stipulated. Another bonus is that you have someone who can’t say no to proofreading your papers. Net: Judging by the spelling/grammar error-minefield that was your entry before we cleaned it up, she’s more valuable than you think. So my advice is to just start hanging around in Ferguson or Willey halls to scope out chicks while keeping a quantum physics or vector calculus book in sight at all times. But when you meet chicks, be modest. Net: And never, EVER call them “chicks.” Who knows, maybe I just got lucky in finding my honey, but it worked. And the sex is incredible so it is all worth it. Net: We said e-NOUGH! GAWD! Good luck and God speed.
GO FITCH
From PowerMac: Hey there, Net. This is my first time writing in so please be gentle. I was talking with Rollerdiva this morning Net: We hope you were; she gets upset when people slander her, ah … untarnished name and she has inspired me to shake s##!+ up and pose this question to all the Phrat boyz. Just out of curiosity, why is it that your beloved Abercrombie and Fitch, whose ads and catalogs are OBVIOUSLY homoerotic, has become the clothing company of choice of Phrat “studs”? Net: It’s all about the advertising, eh? Suckers. I wonder why this company has become the symbol of your butchness when the ads are filled with half-naked men in some questionable situations. Do y’all just not realize what’s going on in these ads, or what??!! If there is anyone out there who has some insight into my query, I’d love to hear it. Thanks Net. Net: No sweat. The truth is out there … go find it, Networkians.