It’s a common phenomenon. You go out with the intention of “taking it easy,” and next thing you know, you’ve had three vodka tonics, two tequila shots and a wine bong and are bragging about how you invented the high five. Sound familiar?
Fast-forward six hours, and you find yourself on the floor of your bathroom. With any luck, you aren’t hungover yet, and you might have enough time to eat some Taco Bell and take a shower (the closest thing to an official hangover cure). Don’t worry — your desire to live will soon be extinguished once the headache and vertigo set in.
If you don’t have anything to do the next day, you should stay in that oversized Welcome Week T-shirt, barricade yourself in your room and rejoice over the fact that you’re alive enough to throw things at your judgmental, chipper roommate who won’t stop singing.
If you’re one of the unfortunate souls who have a social life or work and actually have to be seen in public, there are some easy things you can do to trick everyone into thinking you’re a well-rested adult with self-control — just as soon as the bathroom floor tile imprint fades from your face.
The most important thing to do the morning after a night of drinking — besides consuming copious amounts of water — is get rid of your leftover makeup. You can’t fool anyone with a residual smoky eye (or a lingering hand stamp from Burrito Loco, for that matter). Wash your face and apply some lotion to your dehydrated skin.
When it comes to makeup, this is not the time to put on more than the essentials. All you’re really going to want to apply is concealer to hide the dark circles under your eyes. A coat of mascara — or at least curling your eyelashes — will make you look more awake.
Spritz your hair with dry shampoo (a life saver), and throw it up into a pretty-yet-functional topknot. Now reward yourself with a breakfast sandwich for completing step one without throwing up.
It’s time to get dressed. This is often the most difficult part of getting ready, and it’s not any easier when you’re suffering from a hangover. You’re going to want an outfit that looks nice — it shouldn’t look like you just rolled out of bed. There are a couple of tried-and-true looks that achieve this delicate balance.
Push yourself to get out of sweatpants. There are several other pant options that will make you look much more put together. Leggings, boyfriend jeans and harem pants are your new best friends — embrace them.
That tiki cocktail from Psycho Suzi’s may let you down, but leggings never will. Leggings, boots and a flannel or chambray shirt will be easy to throw on after a night of drinking. Add some accessories — a scarf and earrings will look nice with your topknot — and you might be able to fool everyone into thinking you got a solid eight hours of sleep. Hungover people can’t put on pants, let alone jewelry, so you’re already a step ahead.
If you’re going to work and really want to look like a stylish adult, start with a pair of boyfriend jeans. They are slouchy and unbelievably comfortable, not to mention chic. Wear them with a V-neck T-shirt and a pair of ankle booties to complete the look. Adding a blazer and a statement necklace will really take it to the next level — you might even get some compliments if you don’t fall asleep at your desk.
The third and final option (aside from the ugly, uncomfortable clothes you wear every day) is to pre-emptively buy a pair of harem pants in preparation for a horrible day like this.
If your softest pajama pants and yoga pants had fashionable offspring, the result would be harem pants. If you‘re going for “stylishly sober,” wear them with a cropped sweater. Otherwise, a plain loose tee or tank top will be just as flattering and comfortable.
My final piece of advice? Take some aspirin, drink some coffee and pray for death, because this day is going to suck, even though you look great.
