Saturday started out as a typical day on the links for junior Chris Huntley. Hopes were low, temperatures were high and the scores were somewhere in between.
Then things went horribly wrong, sparking the second-largest brawl in Les Bolstad course history.
Huntley — a reporter for a local paper — fellow reporter Dave Wired and their editor Wink Freaknozzle were on the 12th green at the course when the trouble started.
Freaknozzle was lining up one of his typical 40-foot par putts just prior to the incident.
“I really felt I had a legitimate chance to break 30 on the back nine when I had that putt,” Freaknozzle said.
But Freaknozzle’s sub-par plans were put on hold when he pull-shanked his putt 25 feet past the hole — an impressive feat, considering it was an uphill putt. Freaknozzle proceeded to drop another ball and line up for what appeared to be a Mulligan.
“We figured that he was just going to take another try,” Huntley said. “Anyone who hits a shot that bad deserves a second chance.”
But instead of carefully lining up his bonus attempt, Freaknozzle took a John Daly-like windup and drilled a line drive directly at Huntley’s chest.
The agile and handsome Huntley narrowly averted death by diving to his right. The escape was not complete — his left arm was caught full-on.
Then things got ugly.
“Huntley screamed something about opening a Samsonite suitcase of Whupass,” Wired said, shaking his head in disbelief. “Freaknozzle yelled back, ‘Bring on the funk!'”
The rumble was on. Wired tried to step between the two combatants, but was floored by a swift kick to the genitals from Huntley.
An accurate story of what really happened during the scrum can’t be found. It is known that Freaknozzle was heard as far away as the clubhouse yelling, “I’ll edit your ass from here to Helsinki.”
Huntley responded with, “I don’t even know what ‘bring on the funk’ means, dammit!”
It is believed that numerous headlocks, flying crossbodies and crowbars were involved in the melee.
When the dust settled, all the participants in the battle royale were seen heading towards the clubhouse to share in the hearty goodness of Hamm’s beer. Although it can’t be confirmed, insiders say each member of the trio ordered a pitcher with no glass. Apparently, they realized they all shared some common ground.
“It occurred to us that we have a disdain for all things Hartman,” Freaknozzle said. “And I ain’t talkin’ about Phil, if ya know what I’m sayin’.”
Wired is currently awaiting test results to determine if he was rendered infertile by the swift kick to his groin.