University researchers today unveiled the results of an extensive study that suggests students will not get paid without having a job.
Apparently, University students were not aware of the correlation. The results of the report caused mass riots around the University campus as students struggled to grasp the consequences of the findings.
“Lemme get this straight. They’re trying to tell us we don’t get paid unless we work? That ain’t even right,” said Stu Severenson, a senior in philosophy, with a dismissive wave of his hand.
Groups of moaning students tried to console each other on Northrop Mall.
“I don’t want to write press releases all day,” one student was heard to sob as her friends pushed her gently into the grass.
Students enrolled in the College of Liberal Arts seemed to take the news especially hard.
“Skills … I have no skills,” said Sarah Sundry, a junior in American studies. Sundry said she thought “the whole college thing was just a time filler.”
Some students had moved past grief and were entering the anger stage of mourning.
“This is bunk,” said Sam Snowden, a senior in English. “I come here to learn, not to get a job.”
One student lamented the time he was going to have to give up with his “honeys.”
“What’re my babies going to do if I have to work eight hours a day,” said Stanley Skinner, a senior in music. “They need me and my freshness all day long.”
Skinner said he planned to file a formal grievance against “the man” in protest.
Steve Setterholm said he wants to go even further.
“I’m going to find the bastard who invented capitalism and punish him good,” Setterholm said. “There is no reason we should have to equate work with pay. People should absolutely be paid without doing anything.”
Professors watched the mayhem with glee from their classroom windows.
“It’s about time those punks learn a little bit about the real world,” said Sarah Stevens, an anthropology professor. “They think this is all fun and games.”
Most students said they planned to look for employment after “taking a year off” in Europe.