Fast food workers unite, start a revolution

Nichol Nelson

It was the olive-pimento cream cheese that sent her over the edge, Jill Setzer said.
Setzer has an allergy to pimentos, and although she told her manager at the Bruegger’s Bagels on Washington Avenue about the swelling that accompanies skin contact to the flavored dairy product, no action was taken to protect the employee from pimento exposure.
“I was enraged,” Setzer said. “Something in me just snapped when I looked at those little red pimentos. They represent the devil to me. Little red demons, they are.”
According to shift supervisor Bob Puffer, Setzer began displaying erratic behavior shortly after 9:30 a.m. on Monday.
“She started methodically throwing all of the tubs of cream cheese away,” Puffer said, shaking his head. “I tried to stop the waste, but she took me out with one lucky punch.”
The revolt soon spread. Student workers at the yeasty fast food spot fanned out and ordered bagel patrons to “hit the road.”
Lisa Jo was enjoying an over-priced turkey sandwich when a student employee told her to leave.
“I was afraid for my life,” Jo said. “The boy was yelling about the travesty of minimum wage and brandishing a bagel-slicing knife, so I was off like a prom dress.”
According to police reports, the student workers had the store barricaded by 10:15 a.m.
Setzer said the group used the time inside the store to consume bagels as a dense source of carbohydrate energy and to plan how to get the rest of Washington Avenue student workers involved in the revolt.
After 20 minutes of complaining about low pay, sterile gloves and the strange nature of the “everything” bagel, the group of five student workers burst from the bagel chain.
The students ran from one fast food chain to another with their message of hope, Setzer said.
“All we had to do was remind all of the students how much their jobs suck,” Setzer said. “There is no glory in food service. When is it our turn to shine?”
Students were easily convinced. The word spread quickly down the Washington fast food strip, and by 11 a.m., police were at the scene.
Students took over a total of eight fast food establishments during the riot. The restaurants were emptied by disgruntled student employees, then looted for money and supplies.
“Damn them! Damn the oppressors,” one student protester was heard yelling as he ran down the street holding a Dairy Queen hot fudge warmer.
One bystander described the scene as “apocalyptic.”
“I thought it might be the end,” said Sarah Peterson, a College of Liberal Arts senior. “I was waiting for Brother Jed to protect me from the jaws of hell.”
McDonalds reported the most damage after the looting, reportedly because of extensive fryer grease burns on much of the vinyl seating. Bruegger’s Bagels, the starting point for the rebellion, was left relatively unscathed.